What Kobe Bryant's Death Has Taught Us About Men and Grief

Source: Sports Illustrated

The sudden death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter, and the others who died in a helicopter crash on Sunday left thousands of people in Los Angeles and elsewhere literally standing in disbelief. National news outlets captured an outpouring of emotions that ranged from deep sorrow to praise for Bryant's career.

In watching a few news segments about this tragedy, what I found to be significant as a grief expert (see my book) is how we as a society, specifically those of us in the United States, speak about the sadness men showed. The phrase "vulnerability is strength" was used by CNN anchor Chris Cuomo to describe it. This has been one of the few times when people saw adult men—specifically, professional athletes—shed tears and speak with lumps in their throats. It is this outward lament that I think is important to recognize.

Too often, we send boys and men the message that being sensitive and shedding tears are reserved only for the emotionally fragile. But on Sunday, thousands of individuals, from the very young to those in retirement age, observed professional athletes take moments from their game to honor Bryant, often with tears. During those moments of silence, we were able to notice that crying in public is safe and wise and part of love. This is part of grief.

Sometimes we forget that grief is part of the human experience. As long as you interact with people and feel that you belong to them in some way, be it as family, friends, or professional colleagues, you will encounter loss. No one is immune to loss and grief, and yet, we're ill-equipped to deal with this universal experience.

While you may feel that some people are better at knowing what to say or how to express their heart, it is important to note that sometimes the tears of grief do not come all at once. There may be doubt about whether to hold back tears or let them go, and the bereaved often look for cues from others to gauge if it is 'okay' to cry. And in that split second, the bereaved may make a choice to compromise their feelings of sadness for feeling safe. But choking back tears and suppressing sorrow can feel as severe as the grief itself.

The release of tears is often part of the antidote to expressing grief. We know that the chemical makeup of tears of grief is are different than the chemical makeup of tears of joy. And holding back tears or telling a young child not to cry when they feel sad or scared can be very stressful. For example, a child's tears may very well help them release some of the tension and intensity of their emotions.

Becoming comfortable with speaking about grief and sadness allows us as human beings to better understand the deep emotions often harnessed to loss. When we allow ourselves to show softness, to bend to someone's heartbreak, we give dignity to their vulnerability and our own.

Feeling comfortable with tears of loss allows us to be truly present for anyone who is grieving. And it is this presence that each of us understands and loves.