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As a sex therapist, I’ve spent years coaching women how to orgasm. The first step that I take with every new client is help her change the way she relates to her orgasm.
Most women who haven’t had their first orgasm are incredibly hard on themselves. They feel ashamed, embarrassed, defeated, anxious, unwomanly, self-conscious, and alone. I frequently hear:
“I feel like I’m the only woman in the world who doesn’t know how to orgasm.”
“I have no clue what I need to get there, and it makes me feel like an idiot.”
“I’m so frustrated. It feels like a puzzle that I’ll never be able to figure out.”
“I just want to give up.”
If you’ve never had an orgasm, you can probably relate to these statements!
While these feelings are understandable, they’re also quite harmful. Beating yourself up about your lack of orgasm sabotages your efforts to ever have one. Maybe you’ve had the experience of being with a partner and thinking to yourself, “I should just stop, I’m never going to orgasm.” Or maybe you’ve tried using a vibrator and heard, “I don’t know what I’m doing! This isn’t going to work!” Any time you get into your head with those kinds of critical thoughts, you are not going to orgasm.
If you want to learn how to have your orgasm, you first have to learn how to shift your perspective on what your orgasm means to you. Here are five ways to change your relationship with your orgasm:
Know that you’re not alone
Every woman I’ve coached believes that she’s the only woman in the world who hasn’t had an orgasm yet. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Specific numbers are hard to come by, but it’s likely that millions of women haven’t had an orgasm yet. My clients are always hugely relieved to get that validation.
Dig deeper with your reasons for wanting to orgasm
An orgasm means so much more to most women than just 10 to 20 seconds of feeling pleasure. Your relationship to your orgasm can actually be pretty emotional. Most women don’t think about their reasons for wanting to orgasm, but if you don’t understand what’s motivating you, it’s difficult to work toward your goal.
Here are some of the specific motivations I’ve helped my clients uncover:
"I want to feel all of the pleasure that my body is capable of."
"I want to have more fun during sex."
"I want to put myself first for a change."
"I want to stop feeling so anxious during sex and be able to be more present."
"I want to feel empowered."
Use those goals to keep you motivated
Your goals can help you soften up the way you talk to yourself about your orgasm. When you feel your inner critic starting to beat you up, whether that’s in the moment during sex or when you’re just going about your day, stop and say to yourself, “OK, inner critic, I hear you. But I want to remember that my goal is to develop a better connection with my body.”
Take responsibility for your own orgasm
The most effective way to learn how to orgasm is by masturbating. When I share this fact with my clients, their response is usually disappointment! Most women don’t want to have to learn on their own.
If there’s one piece of information I’d love for you to take away from this article, it’s that taking responsibility for your own orgasm and learning how to get yourself off is one of the most empowering and exciting experiences you can have. This isn’t some horrible chore that you have to do—this is exploring your body’s incredible potential for feeling pleasure! Make an effort to learn more about your body, and you won’t be disappointed!
Let your partner be part of your team
Even though it’s important to take ownership over your pleasure, there are plenty of ways to let a partner be a part of your orgasmic process. Tell your partner that you are trying to learn more about your body and your orgasm. Ask for their support in helping you carve out blocks of private time to practice masturbating (maybe they can take the kids to the playground or take the dog on a walk?). Let your partner watch you masturbate, so they can learn how you like to be touched. Ask them to help you brainstorm ways to incorporate more clitoral stimulation into your sex life.
Orgasm can bring up complex feelings for a lot of women, but if you can be patient and gentle with yourself, curious about your body, and willing to put in some effort, you’ll be so glad you did!
