Power Imbalances in Relationships, Explained

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Why is it that we often find ourselves in romantic quagmires, where one person just seems to care more about the relationship than the other?

The Principle of Least Interest

The answer boils down to the principle of least interest. In 1938, sociologist Willard Waller coined this theory on the belief that most couples are not equally committed or invested in a relationship—therefore, the person who is less committed has more control over what happens to the relationship. (A more sinister perspective might be one where the less invested person gains the potential to exploit the more invested person.)

After all, if you’re more dependent on your partner for your personal happiness, you’re probably more willing to give in to their needs and influence—ultimately sacrificing your power in the relationship.

Unsurprisingly, research shows that those “who have low relationship power face greater difficulties in getting their relational needs and desires met.” Meanwhile, partners who have more power “are less motivated to sacrifice and support their partner.”

Many of us have probably unwittingly proven this principle at some point in our lives. Rejecting the overly eager love interest to pursue the aloof, emotionally unavailable bad boy is one classic example. Or during negotiations, if you’re willing to walk away from a deal, you know that you have more bargaining power.

Some studies have generalized that women tend to be more invested in relationships and therefore have a lower hand compared to men. However, when men have low power, they experience higher levels of aggression in interactions with their romantic partners. It's not difficult to see how this behavior can easily escalate into domestic abuse.

At the surface, having the upper hand in the relationship has its perks, but there is also a pretty apparent downside: Your lack of commitment likely means you’re neither in the right relationship nor with the right partner. That you can walk away pretty much unscathed from your mate suggests as much.

Oxytocin, the Relationship Rescuer

The low-power wielding person, too, while more invested in the relationship, may be trapped in an even more precarious situation—devoted to a partner who may never be able to meet their needs.

This blind devotion may be explained by a 2017 Norwegian study which found oxytocin plays a role in how individuals address relationship struggles.

By and large, oxytocin’s reputation has always been that of a relationship enhancer. Often referred to as the love hormone, it is produced during romantic encounters, orgasm, labor, and breastfeeding, helping us bond to others and make us feel happier.

However, the study found that people also release oxytocin in times of stress—specifically in romantic situations where one person is more invested than the other. Sound familiar?

According to the study’s authors, oxytocin might be triggered in people who feel their partners are losing interest as a way to save or “take care” of the relationship.

There is a limit, however. If the relationship is obviously doomed, oxytocin won’t be produced and individuals won't make an effort to fix it, which actually is good news for the low-power or more invested individual.

Perhaps, the key lies in recognizing that there is no shame in giving up on a relationship that simply doesn’t work for you. Isn't that the real power?

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