Adolescence

Thoughts on Reducing Anguish

The agony of waiting for better times.

Posted February 28, 2021 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina

“Are we there yet?” is not only the anguish of children in a car on the way to the Grand Canyon, but of practically everybody on the path of life. Life might be beautiful --when we have the eyes to see-- but it is certainly not easy, especially when we are sick or are faced with losses.

All religions struggle with the subject of suffering, promise salvation and enlightenment, or offer at least purpose and meaning. Psychological approaches contribute to the search for meaning with shedding light on the problem and offering coping skills to buffer against overwhelming stress.

It is not easy to be human as there are so many ways we can suffer. It does not take much for Homo sapiens to lose the feeling of contentment. If we aim for pleasure, optimal stimulation, and positive feelings we will be derailed even faster.

True and lasting happiness, I thought, would have to go beyond positive experiences and include sadness, confusion, and pain. Even the experience of flow as we pursue goals or fulfilling relationships cannot always be had. There will be obstacles, sudden limitations, and encounters with uncertainty.

Such is the problem when we are depressed --a likely scenario during a pandemic. I have found that embracing our personal suffering is quintessential for true happiness. Ironically, unnecessary suffering goes away when we accept suffering as part of life.

Sometimes we can reduce human suffering by letting go of or adjusting specific expectations. The art of letting go or resilience is not, however, easy to learn. There are plenty of books that can assist you with developing a flexible mind (see, for example, “The Theory of Elastic Consciousness” in A Unified Theory of Happiness). Living consciously, with focused attention and compassion, can do wonders for getting us unstuck.

But what shall we do when we are feeling sad, depressed, and impatient right now? Is there anything we can do that won’t take a lifetime of wisdom and mindfulness? I think there is.

The future is a tricky thing for human beings; for other sentient beings, it is rarely even a thing. We adults assume that we can deal with the future. Once we receive our paycheck, we (hopefully!) abstain from spending it at once and budget until the end of the month. Saving for a bigger purchase, a car or home, becomes trickier; saving for retirement is frequently trickiest. It becomes almost impossible to deal with the future when it holds utter uncertainty, that is when we are completely in the dark about when things will change.

We just don’t know how long a depression lasts. There is no clear understanding when things return to normal after a crisis. Sometimes we must deal with the possibility of things never returning to normal. Such is the case with huge losses, death, and chronic disease.

Young people have a particularly hard time anticipating the future. It is as if the future does not exist even when a youngster understands intellectually what a week, a month, or a year is. The younger the kid, the less of the future can be foreseen. The confusion of adolescence or a mental health problem can feel as if “forever.”

Even seasoned adults feel anxiety over a particularly unpredictable future. Impatiently we might ask, “Are we there yet?” We forget that everything changes always and that we merely need to be present with that which is right now to experience true happiness. And to remind someone about “This too shall pass” can feel quite condescending to the one who is honest enough to share his, her, or their anguish.

I find that there is one way that does alleviate unnecessary suffering and that is when we lend an ear to the person who is suffering. Instead of giving advice or passing down wisdom, instead of wishing the other well or even of feeling empathetic –teenagers hate when their parents feel too much after learning about the teenagers’ anguish-- it is important to validate the suffering, ask questions, and then just sit with this suffering together.

We humans are uniquely equipped to get over losses and adapt. But we should not be expected to process grief or accept life the way life is in isolation. Too many people find themselves lonely, ostracized, misunderstood or as if “too much for others to handle.” Now, more than ever, we should try to be there for each other, signal present-mindedness, and voice unequivocally, “We will go through this together.” Hovering together and tolerating the pain within the human connection likely brings us closer to hell, and then, in due time to the wide-open sky.