Verified by 
Understanding Twins
Is There a Solution to the Twin Problem?
Competition and comparison make goodwill and harmony a challenge for twins.
Posted December 2, 2022 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Twin relationships are often complicated by confused identity boundaries.
- From an early age, practically every twin wants to be the most successful of the pair.
- The two drivers of comparison and jealousy make it difficult, but not impossible, to develop a healthy relationship with one's twin.
In spite of the fantastical mythology that “normal” twins can and should be mature enough to get along, in my personal and professional experience, this kind of idealized harmony is certainly untrue. In fact, a non-combative relationship may be, to some extent, impossible for adult twins who have had abusive childhoods. Inadequate parenting can lead to estrangement at one time or another in the lives of twins. Twin shame about being angry at each other, which is so real, makes “happiness” about being a twin really difficult. Without a doubt, adult twins who cannot or do not talk about and understand their competitive feelings will have trouble getting along in adulthood.
Confused Identity Boundaries Are the Basis of Twin Unhappiness.
Because of the competitive and comparative nature of twinship, twin attachment can become a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs depending upon the amount of agreement (the upward ride) or disagreement (the downward ride) that twins have about certain issues or conflicts. From simple disputes (where they should have coffee) to more serious disagreements (how to approach and decide family health issues), conflicts can be profoundly enraging for each twin. When there is some kind of agreement on how to make decisions, life together runs more smoothly.
Even the most perfectly parented twins can’t agree on everything or even agree to disagree. It is an actuality that mentally healthy twins of all ages see and want different friends, pets, education, interests, clothes, homes, cars, and vacations. And why not? Brothers and sisters can want and achieve different careers, possessions, and friendships in their lives. Why can’t twins? My answers to these questions are given below.
Psychological Boundaries Between Twins Are More Often Than Not Confused.
This can complicate decision-making for all involved. Because of their deep attachment and over-identification with one another, figuring out and implementing a way to decide who is responsible for what can cause remarkable problems. Twins want to boss each other around or be the smartest one and always make the right decision. Or they want what their twin has and suffer from profound jealousy. Consequently, when twins try to share ideas and dreams, their intention to connect is not always caring or successful. Sharing promotes competition that can turn into fierce fighting. For example, “You ruined my new dress and have to replace it,” or “You scratched/dented/totaled my new car.”
Ultimately, jealousy over “who has what” can be diminished by the acceptance of how twins are different. Because comparison and competition are so intense, it is very hard for twins to stay with what they “need” and not want what their twin has acquired. (I know this truth, having lived it so many times.)
Embarrassment Over Twin Life Choices Is Predictable.
Twins who consult with me say that they don’t share most parts of their life experiences with their twin because they feel that their twin will be embarrassed by their decisions and/or totally disagree with their very personal choices or want what their twin has and is unable or unwilling to share. Which brings up the unfortunate issue of jealousy between twins. Jealousy is a boundary issue that can lead to wanting and taking what your twin has.
So many times, I have heard of one twin wanting and trying to get their twin’s boyfriend or girlfriend as their own or trying to eliminate the intruder (the interloper into the twinship) completely. Imagine one twin wanting more romantic closeness (with the twin’s boyfriend) than is appropriate. I have heard about this issue many times. Or perhaps less serious or dangerous, one twin wants to have their sister’s or brother’s house or car or success.
Sometimes the confused embarrassment and jealousy that twins experience over their sister’s or brother’s life choices can be devastating. In the same realm, jealousy that your twin has what you want can totally get out of control and create deep conflicts and alienation between twins. I will look at these two factors (embarrassment and jealousy) that make harmony between twins very difficult to attain.
Embarrassment and jealousy can pull twins apart. Here are some examples:
Marrying the Wrong Person
I remember almost 50 years ago, when I graduated from UC Berkeley alongside my twin sister, I was subjected to her criticism because I was marrying a medical student, and she was marrying a sculptor. Marjorie was sure that who I was marrying was the wrong decision. She predicted that I would become a rich doctor’s wife with not a brain in my head. I would take pride and care of my acquisitions and never return to graduate school. I would not try anymore to understand the real meaning of life. I would become part of the bourgeoisie or, worse yet, a capitalist pig.
My sister was so angry with me and also embarrassed that I did not immediately share her dreams and plans of becoming a well-known bohemian and talented English professor. We could not talk for many, many years. Gradually we opened a dialogue that was very forced about our external lives. I have discovered that now she is overly attached to her own material things.
* * *
Monica, a young woman, called me because her twin sister, Mary, refused to relate appropriately to her fiancé, Jonah. Mary was rude to Jonah and tried very hard to stop her sister from getting married. Mary attended the wedding only to make her twin sister unhappy. Monica is still unable to accept her sister’s embarrassment and jealousy about the wedding that she spent a great deal of time and energy trying to plan.
Monica continues to hope for some affirmation from her sister that she made the right decision, although this reaction from her twin Mary seems unlikely. For me, the issue between these twins is embarrassment and jealousy, which is a conflict in and of itself. Mary finds Jonah embarrassing, but she wants a fiancé like her sister.
Who Is the Most Successful Twin? The Strongest Motivator of Jealousy
Whether discussed or ignored, twins always want to be the most successful in the pair. “Who is the best” is discussed between the twins and among outsiders. As I write this, I am thinking, why is this question so very important? And how do you define success?
The competition and comparisons begin very early in life because twins measure themselves against one another as an aspect of their identity: who they are as an individual. While comparison is inevitable, promoting comparison is totally unhealthy for everyone who is involved in the twin children’s upbringing. Efforts should be made to ignore and avoid comparisons, which is clearly a hard thing to accomplish.
Conclusions
Ultimately, twins need to get behind themselves and stand up for what is special to them and not their twin. I am not suggesting that avoidance or indifference to their sister’s or brother’s strengths and weaknesses is something I approve of in any way. However, knowing who you are and why you make your own choices is a goal to be pursued with rigor. Only with deep understanding can twins get along in a constructive relationship.
