Overcoming the Comparison Spiral

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Do you ever find yourself comparing your life to the life of your friends and others? This is not uncommon; you are not alone. We live in a culture that promotes and even profits off comparison. When we are mindlessly scrolling through and interacting with social media, we are inundated with content that makes us question and compare various aspects of our lives. We compare our appearance, our status, our accomplishments, and our happiness—both consciously and subconsciously—with great frequency, reinforcing the message, “I am not good enough.” And even when we are able to acknowledge the unhelpfulness of comparison or consume social media with more care and intention, we are still in many ways involuntarily immersed in this comparison culture.

So, how do we overcome this impulse to compare ourselves? How do we achieve self-acceptance and find inner peace? While it may feel daunting, it is possible. The key is shifting your focus. Instead of focusing your attention on others, focus on yourself. Focus on what you do have, what your values are, and how you are feeling about your own life and accomplishments.

Here are four tips to help you to live a life with less comparing and more intention:

1. Acknowledge your achievements (big and small).

Most of us (myself included) at various points in our lives have struggled with the success and milestones of others. Whether it’s one of those “we bought a home” Instagram posts that pops up on our feed, the “picture perfect” family holiday card we receive from an old friend in the mailbox, or a loved one sharing their stories from their recent travels, it's normal to feel that pang of jealousy or envy. And while it is very normal—it’s important that we don’t allow ourselves to be swept away by these feelings.

Instead, remind yourself of your own personal achievements and milestones—big and small. Reflect on your own life—the challenges you have overcome, the personal goals you have achieved, and all the experiences that have been meaningful to you and have brought you joy. Remember, another person’s success does not discount your own success.

2. Practice gratitude.

Instead of focusing on the things you are lacking or the things you don’t have (that others do), focus on what you do have—especially the non-material things. Take time to appreciate your healthy and resilient body, your close and meaningful friendships, and the moments of joy you experience in your everyday life.

When you obsess over what you are lacking, the grass is always going to look greener on the other side. So, be intentional in how you engage with the world. When you make gratitude a regular practice, you will come to find that there are many things in your life to be grateful for—and gratitude has been empirically proven to result in improved health and more happiness (“Giving Thanks Can Make You Happier,” 2021).

3. Reflect on and honor your personal values.

When we get stuck on the comparison hamster wheel, we tend to forget about or lose sight of our core values—the things that matter to us on a personal level. For example, if you spend hours mindlessly watching Bravo reality television (as I have been guilty of) you might start to become more aware of or sensitive to the excess wealth you do not have and the privileges that come with being a wealthy person. And while in those moments wealth and extravagance might seem nice to have, it’s important to go back to your personal values.

A huge component of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), an evidence-based therapeutic modality, is values clarification. There is an emphasis on values because when we are aware of and living life in a way that is authentic to us and honors our personal values (i.e. family, connection, spirituality, healthy lifestyle, learning, altruism), we find more meaning and fulfillment in our present-day life. We experience more life satisfaction and have a greater sense of purpose—which is something we struggle with when we are comparing ourselves or seeking external validation.

4. Reduce or limit your social media intake.

While it is probably difficult (and even unrealistic) to completely remove oneself from the world of social media, it is helpful to create some distance. Even when you have a good amount of insight and self-awareness, those very purposefully curated profiles that you are consuming can negatively impact your mental health and self-esteem. Research continues to confirm this and has demonstrated a correlation between the intensity of Instagram use and “social or appearance comparison” (Faelens et al, 2021).

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When we spend less time on our phones or consuming unhelpful content—it’s easier to be present and clearer-minded. So, try to remove the stressors. Try spending less time on social media platforms. To hold yourself accountable, you can set screen time limits. You can also remove your phone or device from your immediate surroundings to reduce the impulse or temptation to check social media. Another strategy to reduce the impact of social media is to do a “following purge”—unfollow or mute the accounts that make you feel bad about yourself or are a source of anxiety and stress.