Why People Lie About Sex

It is true that sex is an integral part of the human experience. It is also true that, when it comes to sex, people can be less than truthful, sometimes resorting to lies and deception. Regardless of age, gender, social standing, religious affiliation, or sexual orientation, people lie about this foundational human experience. What motivates a person to lie about sex? There is not a simple answer to that question. The reasons people tell lies about sex are varied and complex.

The Sexual Double Standard

A commonly noted reason for lying about sex involves the reporting of sex frequency based on social norms and fear of stigmatization. Men are more likely to overreport the number of sex partners they have had, while women tend to underreport. The reason for this is the sexual double standard—the social fact that men are more likely than not to be celebrated, within their social group, for having numerous sexual encounters, while women are stigmatized for the same behaviors. Look at the names society holds for men who sleep with lots of women, such as "stud" and "player." The labels for men are few and all celebratory.

Women, on the other hand, have numerous labels that are all derogatory ("slut," "whore," and many more too awful to include in this article). Women are often stigmatized for the same sexual behaviors their male counterparts revel in. However, women are celebrated for remaining virginal and it is men who are often shamed by their masculinity-enforcing peers for being virgins. In this case, men will also lie about conquests they did not have to escape being labeled a virgin. Virginity is a gendered social expectation of women; not men.

In a study involving participation from 293 students in a Midwestern university, Fisher (2013) found that the students adhered to cultural expectations with regard to sexual behaviors. Half the students were led to believe they were hooked up to a polygraph that would detect when they lied while they answered questions about their sexuality. Male-identifying students who were not hooked up to the pseudo-machine reported more sexual partners than those hooked up. Female-identifying students reported fewer sexual partners when not hooked up.

Gendered Sexual Lying

In her book, Faking it: The lies women tell about sex—and the truths they reveal, Lux Alptraum (2018) has an interesting take on female dishonesty. First, she notes how we center the conversation on what lying tells us about women rather than what it ultimately says about society itself. Secondly, Alptraum states, “Women lie because they’re told, over and over again, that their truths are an impossibility.” Supposedly, I would assume, that the lies that men tell about their sexuality are viewed socially as completely possible.

Relationship and Marital Dynamics

Prior to a relationship taking hold, sexual experience may be fabricated based on whether an individual wants their new partner to believe they are virginal (again, that sexual double standard rears its ugly head) or if they want to put forward that they actually have sexual experience, not wishing to come across as unknowledgeable. The fear of a new sexual partner thinking you don’t know what you are doing can be enough to bend the truth.

Lying takes center stage when there is a play for power dynamics in a relationship. When an individual strives to maintain power in a relationship, deceit may be necessary, as in the case when one partner misrepresents their sexual satisfaction to manipulate the self-confidence of the other for the purpose of assuming or maintaining dominance.

Sometimes people lie for the benefit of their partner— faking an orgasm, for example. While there are many reasons one may fake an orgasm, one excuse is in consideration of the partner’s feelings. Without the bone-chilling theatrical performance, one may think their partner will feel bad about their sexual ability. Some people fear that this could also lead to troubles in the relationship, including termination.

It should be obvious that lying is a necessary tool used when one is attempting to cover up an act of infidelity. When one is confronted about the possibility of their being unfaithful, deceit is the go-to defense mechanism. Even to prevent the potential of ever being confronted about one’s infidelity they will construct a web of falsehoods in order to shift and maintain an alternate reality.

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Constructions of Selfhood

Selfhood is not static. We change throughout the course of our lives. Social structures influence the shaping of our sexual selfhood, but ultimately we have the responsibility for who we become sexually. People can either lie to themselves or lie to manipulate the perspectives others have of them. In constructing their sexual selves, individuals are also constructing their desirability. Attempts to persuade others to accept their performance of desirability often involves a manipulative measure involving some sort of fabrication.

Safety

It seems ridiculous to think that there is a narrow selection of sexual desires that individuals can choose from and not be infracting upon socio-sexual normativity. However, for many people, this is not a ridiculous idea. They fear being stigmatized and shamed for a particular sexual predilection they possess. For them, lying about their sexual desires becomes an issue of safety. They lie about what arouses them to avoid potential negative impacts associated with the attitudes those around them have of that socially taboo sexual desire.

Likewise, some people will lie in order to protect their sexual self-image or self-confidence. A negative reaction to who they are sexually or what arouses them can be quite a disturbance to their designed image or their sense of confidence about themselves.

Safety to others must be considered when someone is less than truthful about having an STD or the state of their sexual health. Some people have misreported their sexual health in order to engage in a sexual behavior with another, particularly in instances when they are in a latent stage of an STD, where there are no visible signs or symptoms.

Sexual Deceit

People lie about sex for a variety of reasons, including to impress others, avoid conflict, protect self-image/confidence, gain power in a relationship, and avoid negative judgment and stigmatization. Lying about sex may provide temporary relief, but it can have long-term negative consequences, particularly in relationship dynamics. Such lying can erode trust and produce a cycle of dishonesty that is difficult to break. Being honest about sexual experiences and communicating in a transparent manner with partners can promote healthy and fulfilling relationships.

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