How Automatic Thoughts Can Hurt a Relationship

Relationship distress can stir up a lot of emotions: anger, fear, sadness, and disgust. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) teaches us that many emotions result from “automatic thoughts” or thoughts that arise spontaneously and may not be accurate or helpful. In relationships, both partners experience automatic thoughts relating to the behaviors of the other, and sometimes those thoughts and related emotions lead to discord in the relationship. My father, Dr. Aaron T. Beck, who developed CBT in the 1960s and 1970s, wrote about his work with couples in the book Love is Never Enough. So, what can CBT teach us about how partners can resolve disagreements and improve their relationships?

First, focus on what you can control. The bad news is that you cannot control your partner’s behavior or how they interpret your behavior. The good news is that you can control your own behavior and how you interpret your partner’s behavior.

Noticing and being aware of your automatic thoughts as they relate to your partner can help you recognize when your interpretation of your partner’s behavior may not be accurate. When you notice a strong negative emotion, stop and ask yourself, “What was just going through my mind?” For example, let’s say your partner is late coming home, and you notice yourself feeling angry. You realize that you are having the thought, “They’re avoiding me.” You’ll want to evaluate that thought and determine whether it is 100% true, 0% true, or somewhere in between.

Ask yourself if there is any other plausible explanation for your partner’s behavior. Did they get held up at work? Did they get stuck in traffic? Is it possible that they stopped to pick something up on their way home? Do you have any other evidence that your partner is avoiding you? For example, have they frequently canceled plans with you, or not returned your phone calls? On the other hand, is there evidence that your partner is not avoiding you? For example, do they check in with you regularly, or make plans to spend time together? You may find that there is little evidence that your partner is avoiding you, and that it is more likely that they simply got held up at work.

It can also be helpful to notice how your automatic thoughts may be influenced by rules you may have about how your partner should behave, or what a romantic relationship should be like. Rules are often in the form of “should” statements and can be influenced by our life experiences. If you grew up in a conservative family, you may have a different set of rules from someone who grew up in a more progressive home. Maybe there was something that always bothered you about your parents’ relationship that you vowed never to repeat in your own. Being aware of these patterns can help you understand your own rules and how they influence your automatic thoughts, which in turn influence your emotions and behavior.

But rules are not all bad. Some reflect deeply held values and can help couples identify common ground. One exercise that couples may find helpful is to individually make lists of short statements that describe their ideal relationship. Statements should start with the word “we” and should be phrased using positive language, that is, stating what the couple does, rather than what they don’t do. For example: “We look out for one another,” or “We laugh together.” Reviewing this list together and discussing how important each item is can help you and your partner clarify your values and find common ground. The list can also help you and your partner check your own behaviors to be sure you are acting in line with your values.

Sometimes couples need additional support from a qualified therapist. A CBT therapist who works with couples can help both partners learn skills they may be lacking, like communication skills or anger management skills. Professional help may also be warranted if one or both partners have a mental health concern like depression or anxiety, or if either holds deeply engrained unhelpful beliefs about themselves or other people. With the help of a qualified therapist, many couples are able to resolve their disagreements, build trust, improve communication, and strengthen their relationships long term.

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