In a Relationship Dip or Ditch?

“It’s not fair! Now my party is ruined.”

That was the sentiment and logic of an eight-year-old after a storm in the spring blew through my backyard and dashed any hopes of having a barbecue and birthday celebration.

I recall my grandfather shaking his head and saying, “Well kid! April showers bring May flowers. ‘Tis’ the season. You’ve got to roll with it. There will be other sunny days.”

He was right and wise.

The same wisdom applies to our relationships — if we allow it to. A bit of rain in the springtime is not the same as a tsunami hitting a beach in the summer. Yet if we are not familiar with the natural flow of relationship cycles, we can hit the panic button and a windy day becomes a full-blown tornado of our own making.

“That zip and tension is gone in my relationship,” said a former client. She went on to express her deep sadness that her partner seemed more remote and checked out than usual. “He’s always been so tuned into me. It’s been ideal. I suggested counseling because this thing needs to get turned around.”

Although I could appreciate her concern and frustration, when I dug a little deeper by asking more questions, she shared that her partner had fallen out of his workout routine and was under more pressure than usual at work. She added, “I’ve seen him deal with a lot of pressure over the past four years and it has never affected the relationship like this.”

It turns out the couple did not need counseling. He needed to get back to the gym, take a few days off, and rebalance. Years of relationship programming, compliments of Hollywood, had led her to believe something was wrong if her partner was not ‘up’ all the time. No one can be ‘on’ around the clock.

To believe the contrary is a set-up for real disappointment.

The interesting thing about life is, as we evolve, the way stress, pressure, and change affect us can evolve too. Fifteen years ago, I was never a huge fan of solitude. One kid later, a demanding career, and the early onset of menopause—will someone please get me a day pass to a remote island?

Fortunately, I have a mate who does not panic or feel the relationship is in peril when I’m a bit distant and need a day away. What we are dealing with physically, spiritually, and emotionally can cause dips inside our relationships.

You’d never set sail on the high seas and expect the temperature and size of the waves to remain the same throughout the trip, yet too often we are averse to natural energy dips that occur in our relationships.

If you believe your partner is totally checked out, a conversation is in order. Yoo-hoo! I’m over here! Remember me? Your significant other? Healthy relationships require maintenance, and relationship drift, is a thing—even in connected pairings.

The mere fact that you find the energy dip in your relationship surprising or upsetting can be viewed as a positive. I’ve worked with couples who are so deeply entrenched in cycles of neglect and dysfunction that dips go unnoticed because the relationship has been in a ditch for so long.

If you notice something is off, it probably means the relationship is harmonious most of the time, and because you care about the quality of the relationship, you want to nurture it.

The next time you notice a dip in your relationship, there is nothing wrong with riding it out for a bit. In bonded connections, these lulls don’t linger for long. Extending compassion to one another during low periods in a relationship is an opportunity to share a tremendous amount of goodwill that becomes a rising tide of positivity in the relationship.