What to Do When You Can’t Get Help for a Loved One

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What can you do when you can’t get mental health services for a loved one?

You try. Then try harder.

You agonize about your child/sibling/parent suffering from ongoing emotional problems.

You call a crisis line, a nearby mental health (or addiction) treatment center, search a list of clinicians given to you by your insurance company, you Google.

But you can’t get an appointment for an evaluation, or it is three months away, or the list from your insurer proves more fiction than fact because their mental health professionals have “no openings”. Or you hear, “no insurance accepted." Your monthly fee would exceed your rent or mortgage.

You are among countless others seeking needed services, especially for children and young adults. Depression and anxiety disorders are more prevalent, a result of the pandemic. Demand far exceeds supply.

What families can learn and do

When giving talks about mental illness and families, a line assembles after I am done. I speak privately to each person or family. The questions and concerns of individuals were varied. But the families speak as if in unison, with many of the same questions and concerns, which I did my best to answer.

I thought I could "talk" to families who were not at a talk, those whose hope was running out. By writing a book for which the topics were from my talks with families, the Family Guide to Mental Health Care (WW Norton, 1993) became a frequent resource to NAMI families (The National Association on Mental Illness), which provides information, education, support, and referral in every state. NAMI is free.

We hear about increasing funding to grow the number of mental health and addiction clinicians to respond to today’s heart-breaking needs. But this won’t be realized for a decade or more—while you need help today.

Frequent questions

Questions many families have (perhaps yours as well) when unable to get help for a loved one include:

1. Who can I turn to?
2. What can I do if a family member refuses to go for treatment?
3. What can I do if a family member refuses to take prescribed medications (or will not go to appointments)?
4. Is there hope?

There are good answers.

1. Who can you turn to?

Because family problems with a loved one in distress are ubiquitous, you are not alone. There are many other families living with disappointment in and frustration with our mental health “system”. Few make themselves known. But you can find them at community centers, your work, churches and temples, NAMI, even among your extended family. Find them by looking, listening, and talking. Families learn from and support one another.

Not a day goes by that a clergyperson doesn't have a visit from a family or someone suffering from depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction... the list goes on. They cannot prescribe medication but have learned to ably counsel. There is your family doctor, if you have one, if over the years they have gained your loved one’s trust.

I saw parents, siblings, and spouses come together in small towns with high rates of drug overdoses and death. Families created support groups that responded to crises and pressed for needed services. Some joined forces with local police and other first responders, who often tragically witness the horrors of an overdose death.

How can you help an unwilling family member?

There are actions and strategies you can use. Identify where you have leverage (car, money, a home) with your loved one then use it to negotiate participation in treatment.

Listen without making judgments. Concentrate on what’s on your loved one’s mind, not what you dearly want to make happen. Ask what they want, within reason, to help them. Avoiding confrontation—don’t get into fights—will often be the most difficult thing for a family. Ask if there is someone they would like you to contact. Express what you observe (doesn’t call back friends, paces most of the night in their room), not what you feel. Tolerate no responses until there is one; it can take your loved one time.

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Nothing is more important than keeping hope alive.

Especially when a relapse happens, or when time wears you down. People do recover. But these are “chronic relapsing conditions”. Chronic means don’t expect a sprint when you have a marathon to run. Relapsing means recovery is not a straight line. Be kind to yourself when a relapse happens. It’s not your fault. Stay the course, always keep hope alive—for yourselves as much as for your loved one.

For centuries, people with mental and addictive conditions have been short-changed, disdained, and discriminated against. That’s still happening. When you look outside your family for help and none is there, turn your gaze inward. You’ll be rewarded in ways where the sum will exceed its parts.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.