The ABCs of Neurotic Loops

It is important for both lay people and clinicians to be aware of neurotic loops, as they are at the heart of much psychological suffering and are the focus of much of the work in the clinic room. A neurotic loop refers to an understandable, but an ultimately maladaptive response to a difficult situation that triggers negative feelings. A classic example of a neurotic loop is a socially anxious teenager who avoids engaging with others and so he isolates himself in his room and ends up feeling increasingly alone, incompetent, and socially vulnerable. It is, of course, not hard to see why a socially anxious person would retreat to the safety of their room. But the avoidance of the situation and negative feelings ends up creating more problems for the individual than it solves.

A neurotic loop can be defined as a vicious cycle such that a negative situation triggers negative feelings, and the person (or dyad or group) reacts to this via coping strategies that end up making things worse¹. As suggested by this definition, we can usefully divide neurotic loops into three components. First, there is the negative situation. This can be a real or perceived likely outcome that the person evaluates as bad or highly undesirable. Second, there are the negative feelings that the situation naturally elicits. Third, there are secondary negative reactions that attempt to manage the negative situation-negative feelings in problematic ways. It is because of these three components that I often call them “triple negative neurotic loops.”

Source: Image by Gregg Henriques

I teach this frame to almost all my clients, as I want them to be able to clearly see how negative situations elicit negative feelings, which in turn drive negative reactions. When I do, I make clear that the word negative has different connotations for the first two components in contrast to the third. When paired with situations and feelings, the word negative refers to valence, which refers to tone or value. Consider that pleasure and pain are nature’s way of helping us experience value in the world. For the third component, negative means maladaptive. To see the difference, consider that pain per se is not maladaptive. Instead, pain serves a crucial adaptive function that is essential for our survival.

In contrast, a maladaptive response is a response that tends to make things worse. The analogy I teach my clients is that the negative coping reaction is like bringing water to a grease fire. On the surface, it makes sense to see a fire and want to put it out with water. However, water on a grease fire makes things much worse than doing nothing at all. My goal is to help them learn how to diagnose neurotic loops in themselves and shift their maladaptive reactions accordingly.

Although there are many ways a person might maladaptively react to a negative situation that elicits negative feelings, I have found it helpful to divide such responses into three broad categories:

1. avoidance of situations or feelings
2. blame of self or others
3. control that is rigid or misguided

I call these the ABCs of neurotic loops. We can understand the ABCs by looking at some common statements I have heard in the clinic room.

“I just need to think pleasant thoughts and avoid the negative.”

“I don’t want to think about it. It hurts and there is no point.”

“I just hate feeling and acting this way. What is wrong with me?”

“He wanted to hurt me, and I will never forgive him for it.”

“Things must change. I can’t go on like this.”

“We must change so that this never happens again.”

The first two statements are examples of avoidance, the next two examples of blame, and the last two are forms of problematic control. Avoidance, blame, and control may make good sense in the short term. They often function to remove an aversive stimulus, restore a sense of justice, or give the person a sense of power.

Despite these short-term advantages, they tend to be much like bringing water to a grease fire. Avoidance means that there are places or images that the person cannot accept or approach, which makes them more and more defensive and needing to build up more and more character armor. Blaming others makes them defensive and results in hostilities, whereas self-blame undermines the person's confidence and self-acceptance. Control is very often misguided and focused on ineffective solutions and the wishful belief that one could live in a world devoid of negative situations or negative feelings.

To step out of the neurotic looping process, folks need to first become psychologically aware that the process is happening. That is, they need to stop blindly reacting and start reflectively observing the way they are living in the world. Second, they need to understand why negative reactions to negative situations and negative feelings are maladaptive. When this shift is made, they can then learn to cultivate more adaptive reactions to negative situations and negative feelings. This is done by being able to hold one’s negative emotions with awareness and attunement on the one hand, and adaptively regulate the impulses they generate on the other. This can be achieved by developing an attitude toward one’s life and feelings that is

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1. curious and open rather than closed off
2. accepting rather than rejecting
3. loving and compassionate rather than blaming
4. motivated toward valued states of being rather than insisting on controlling oneself, others, or the world into conforming to how things must be

To summarize, neurotic loops are at the heart of much psychological suffering. They can be usefully described as triple negative neurotic loops because they consist of negative situations that elicit negative feelings that drive negative reactions. The negative reactions are the key as they result in maladaptive processes, and they can be grouped into the categories:

1. avoidance
2. blame
3. control

Folks can learn the ABCs of neurotic reactions and can learn to shift to develop more healthy and adaptive responses and become more curious, accepting, loving and compassionate, and motivated toward valued states of being.