The Needs Underneath Anger

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Why do you get angry? It’s tempting to blame other people for feelings like frustration, resentment, or rage, but in truth, the answer lies in unmet needs.

You may become angry when you feel threatened, when you’ve been taken advantage of, when you feel rejected or disrespected, or when you are blocked from doing something that matters to you. Anger tells you that something important in your life has gone wrong and you must correct the situation. Anger always points you toward a fundamental need that isn't being met. And this is good news, because once you identify your unmet need, you can prepare yourself to respond to it constructively.

The core needs underneath anger

Let’s take a closer look at these core needs.

Survival: The first function of anger is to help ensure your survival. For you to survive, your basic physiological needs must be met, and you must defend yourself from harm. Anger ensures your safety by helping you respond to physical harm or the possibility that you will be harmed. Imagine how you would feel if someone was intimidating you, abusing you, bullying you, or otherwise threatening violence. You would probably experience anger, perhaps along with other emotions such as fear.

Integrity: The second core need that drives anger is the desire for integrity. Our values and standards matter to us, and we expect them to be respected. We feel anger when we encounter injustice or unfairness. Someone has violated a principle we hold to be important. Someone has done something we believe to be immoral or unjust. Violations of integrity take many forms. Sometimes it’s a matter of being betrayed. Perhaps you discovered that a partner has cheated on you, or a friend has lied to you. Maybe a police officer has pulled you over for a speeding violation, when, in fact, you were not speeding. In these instances and others, feelings of anger activate your desire to fight for change and restore the wholeness that was broken.

Love: Every human being wants to feel loved, wanted, recognized, and respected. Very often, anger points toward this basic need for positive regard. Most of us quickly become angry when we feel unwanted or unloved, or when we believe others are disregarding us, disparaging us, being disrespectful, or ignoring us. If someone devalues us—for example, insulting us, or speaking about us in a negative or belittling way—that will provoke anger. The need for love motivates us to connect socially with others, to form romantic bonds, and to create community. It pushes us to restore relationships that have been lost or bonds that have been broken. It also impels us to love ourselves and discover our authentic, caring self.

Actualization: The fourth need that can give rise to anger is the drive for actualization. This refers to your innate desire to develop and achieve your full potential. It includes the wish to excel, achieve, create, and contribute. It drives you toward growth and fulfillment. It motivates you to contribute something of value to your family, your community, and the wider world. It helps you find a sense of meaning and purpose that enriches your life. It also includes the need to achieve power and to influence others. When you aren’t moving toward actualization, a sense of frustration arises; you feel thwarted, trapped, despairing, hopeless, stressed, or overwhelmed. Sometimes, the thing you’re prevented from achieving is fairly mundane. Other times, it is profound. To meet the need for actualization, you must be free to direct your own life. When something interferes with your freedom or blocks you from pursuing your goals, you may become angry.

Many times our anger is triggered by multiple needs. For instance, a partner’s unfaithfulness might activate our need to be respected (that is, our core need for love) and also our need for integrity. Sometimes, our needs in one category conflict with those in another. For instance, our need for actualization might drive us to spend long hours at work, while our need for love might make us want to spend more time at home with our family. At these times, we are challenged to maintain a healthy balance among the four needs, and the wisest action will depend upon the circumstances as well as our priorities and values.

How to find our core needs

The next time you feel angry, ask yourself what core needs are not being met.

• Is my safety or well-being threatened?
• Has something happened that is wrong or unfair?
• Do I feel unloved, rejected, or disrespected?
• Is something preventing me from reaching my goals?

Remember, anger always points to one of the four core needs: safety, integrity, love, and actualization. When anger arises, it can reliably be traced to one of these core needs going unmet. You may discover that you need to protect yourself or those you love; repair a wrong that has been done; heal yourself and your relationships; or pursue your goals freely. Once you have identified what need is not being met, anger also motivates you to do something about it. You are prepared to decide what to do next. Anger becomes the compass that guides your actions.