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Dear Dr. G.,
I have been having a lot of difficulty with my dating life. I am a 26-year-old female and my friends think I am attractive and a nice person. Despite that, I go on a lot of first dates and don't get asked on many second dates. I can't figure out what is wrong with me. The other problem that I have is that I get obsessed with the boys/men that I go out with and this means that I check my phone several times a day waiting to hear from them. When I don't, I get so upset and don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes, I reach out to them but I try not to do that too much because I don't want to look desperate. Please help me figure out why I don't get second dates. This has been going on for five years since I broke up with my boyfriend. We were going out for seven months and then he broke up with me to go out with a girl who I thought was his best friend only. This really affected my self-confidence a lot. I don't know if I ever really regained it. I want to get into a serious relationship, get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs where I grew up. Please help me.
A Frustrated Dater
Dear Dater,
I am so sorry that you have been having so many disappointing dating experiences. Nonetheless, you continue your search for a suitable partner.
It seems that you do not have difficulty getting first dates but second dates are sort of where you reach a wall and become frustrated. I understand that. I am delighted to help you here because it seems that you are trying to figure out what you may be doing that affects your ability to get second dates. Several things come to mind. I may not be right about everything but please consider each of my thoughts and perhaps you can run them by a trusted friend:
First, I am wondering if you know what you are looking for in a partner. You certainly don't need to go on a second date with men who are not right for you. Perhaps you can make a list of desirable qualities and then you can more easily narrow down who you might want a second date with.
Second, I hope that you are not talking about your ex too much on your first dates. As we all know, even though we may be asked about our past partners, no one really wants to spend much time hearing about someone's ex on a first date.
Third, you seem very clear about what you desire in life: a serious relationship, marriage, kids, and a home in the suburbs near your family. While it is good that you know what you want, this is definitely not the discussion for a first date. A first date is for getting to know each other. You certainly don't want your date to think that you are looking for just anyone to fill a slot in your life. Everyone wants to feel special in their own right. I am sure that you agree that no one wants to be a placeholder.
Fourth, be careful not to overwhelm your dates with too many text messages. The question of how many is too many is a tough one but be mindful to take cues from each other. If you are being ghosted, for example, move on. If you are texting someone daily, this may scare them. As we know, neediness is not particularly desirable.
I wish you luck as you continue to date. Please also pay attention to other aspects of your life so you are less likely to become obsessive. Spend time with friends and enjoy your usual activities. If you begin to feel depressed, please consider seeing a therapist.
Best,
Dr. G.
