School Is Back in Session

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Another school year is here, and it is important to set our children up for success. Parents, did any of you struggle with this? Maybe your child’s back-to-school clothing preferences or how they have been following trends on social media are at play.

Of course, we all want to encourage our children to embrace their individuality, as well as their sense of style, while also wearing age-appropriate clothing for school. Doing this effectively comes down to healthy communication, listening, and compromise. In my work, I teach parents and children the tools to use in times of conflict and to help foster healthy relationships.

In order to recognize effective forms of communication, we need to look at the different styles of parenting that I discuss in my book No Shame, including how it relates to raising children with healthy self-esteem and without shame.

4 different parenting styles

Let’s talk about the different styles of parenting, the communication associated with them, and which one has shown to be the most effective. The four types of parenting are based on findings made by developmental psychologist Diana Baurind in 1960 and later additions made in 1983 by psychologists Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. These four styles are recognized as authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful parenting:

1. Authoritative

Authoritative parenting is “characterized by high levels of emotional warmth, support, and responsiveness, and communicating expectations in a manner that is firm, democratic, and transparent,” according to the developmental psychologist Amanda E. Guyer.¹ This style of parenting allows for open communication and gives children the opportunity to share their feelings about the decisions being made for them. Taking this approach is more collaborative and will be more effective in achieving a healthy relationship with your child as it provides balance and structure.

2. Authoritarian

Authoritarian parenting is “characterized by a lack of emotional warmth and support for the child, non-transparent declaration of rules, and high levels of control.”² This style of parenting is strict, demanding, and sets high expectations for achievement. “Tiger parenting” from the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua is associated with this style of parenting. There is no tolerance for dialogue in authoritative parenting, and the communication is demanding, shaming, and uses harsh language. If you think of the phrase “do as I say,” this is associated with authoritarian communication. Parents are in control, and children do not have an opportunity to express their needs.

3. Permissive

Permissive parenting is “characterized by parental indulgence that, while emotionally nurturing, ultimately creates an environment without enough structure for children to develop self-discipline.”³ This style of parenting avoids conflict and often leaves the child to parent themselves. Communication in this parenting style does not offer much guidance and might emulate more of a peer relationship. This is more of a hands-off approach that puts the child in control of their choices.

4. Neglectful

Neglectful parenting shows “little practical or emotional engagement.”⁴ This style provides no structure or guidance. The parents are often unable to engage with their children as they are consumed with their own lives and challenges. You often see this in families affected by substance or alcohol abuse. These children are expected to take a more active role in their upbringing and maybe even act as a caretaker in the household. There would likely be little to no communication about expectations or rules in a neglectful parenting situation.

After reviewing these types of parenting styles, it is clear that using an authoritative method is going to be the most effective and provide positive results in building a healthy relationship.

How can we use this knowledge to create an environment that allows for open communication with our children?

If we go back to the original conflict about choosing clothes for school and provide a compromise instead where both the parents' and child’s needs are met, then everyone feels better about the arrangement. The child will wear the parent-approved clothing to school and can wear their chosen attire at home, on the weekends, or when hanging out with friends. This balance models for your child that you recognize their desire to show their individuality and style and imparts your value that school is a place for learning.

This is also an opportunity to talk to your child about the different ways to express themselves outside of materialistic items like clothing, makeup, or jewelry. Showing self-confidence is a form of expression that comes from how we carry and present ourselves to the outside world. When we feel good about ourselves, this message is shared with the people around us.

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Fostering a healthy relationship with children involves teaching respectful communication skills of listening and compromise. We want our children to have some freedom to express themselves and recognize their individuality. Parenting using an authoritative approach provides clear communication and expectations and allows for collaboration in the relationship. Let’s create an environment for children that is free from shame and encourages healthy self-esteem.