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Relationships
From Two to Three: Working With New Relationship Triangles
How to make an emerging relationship triangle work.
Posted August 8, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- When a third person joins a pair, the flow of communication, influence, and closeness will typically change.
- There are strategies to ease the entrance of a third party into an ongoing relationship involving two people.
- A person feeling left out must tell the other two in a nonaccusatory way, more focused on expressing feelings.
When a third person joins a pair, the flow of communication, influence, and closeness between the original pair will typically change. People often feel invaded, forgotten, angry, hurt, and resentful when there is no understanding of how to address a triangle and the changes occurring due to the third party's participation. We can consider four types of triangles.
“I Have a Secret” Triangle
The “I have a secret” triangle occurs when person A passes a piece of information to person B, attained in a conversation with person C. The information is not typically innocuous, tending to hold some emotional weight. The information could be benign, such as “C told me that he respects you” or “C would like to get to know you better.” Or the information could be unsettling or distressful, such as “C is quite angry at you” or “C is uncertain about maintaining a friendship with you.”
This triangle interrupts the rapport that might happen between B and C. It’s advisable for A to encourage C to bring the information directly to B.
The Helper Triangle
The helper triangle can happen in at least three ways:
- Two people, A and B, are having an important conversation, and person C decides to join them and help. Persons A and B might caucus and get clear with one another whether they want C’s help. If they don’t, they must let C know they are not open to C’s participation.
- Two people, A and B, are having an important conversation and invite person C to participate and offer support. It is important for A and B to let C know what they want. They may simply want to be heard, encouraged, or offered guidance.
- A and B are experiencing some relational challenges, and A wants to speak with a third party, which could be a family member, a friend, or a professional. It is important that A tell B about the intention to seek support alone with C. It is significant for A to let C know that the focus of the discussion is on A’s perceptions, feelings, and choices with no character assessment of B. It would be quite helpful if A brought the essence of the conversation with C back to B.
"Someone Feels Left Out" Triangle
This triangle typically takes place as A and B, who have some history of a relationship together, bring person C into the relationship. Let’s assume A already has a relationship with C, then A has a stronger connection to B and C. Leaving the weakest link in the triangle being B and C. It can strengthen the triangle if B and C work on building their connection. As the triangle progresses, it’s uncommon for all three people to feel that the level of care, support, collaboration, and comfort is absolutely equal on all sides of the triangle.
The person feeling left out must inform the other two about feeling marginalized. The key is to do it in a fashion that is nonblameful, nonaccusatory, and more focused on expressing feelings such as sadness, hurt, or anger. The assumption is that the other two parties have no investment in someone feeling left out in the triangle, which is usually the case.
Let’s assume that A feels left out and has former relationships with B and C. A can ask B and C for whatever might support her inclusion and less marginalization. I also favor A being clear about what she can give herself to support her inclusion. For example, A might declare a commitment to reach out more to B and C.
Sometimes, a light conversation isn’t enough. That would suggest A is likely carrying some strong feelings, which might include feeling betrayed and ruminating about the alleged awful thing B and C have done. When this occurs, an old triangle is likely resurrected and projected upon the current triangle with B and C. This can be a rich time for personal healing, especially if A can identify the players in the original triangle where feeling marginalized first occurred.
The key is to acknowledge what you needed in the first triangle that you did not receive. Typically, it will be two dynamics. The first is to be clear with B and C about feeling marginalized, and the second is to explain how A can support her inclusion now with little or no feeling of helplessness, which characterized her experience in the earlier triangle.
"Stuck in the Middle" Triangle
This triangle is typically created when person B has solid, committed relationships with both persons A and C. The more A and C feel connected to one another, the less responsible B will feel to demonstrate his love for either A or C. B can support his or her emancipation from the middle by expecting A and C to develop a relationship that works for both of them.
Either A and/or C may refuse to build a working relationship. When this happens, A and C may compete for B’s attention with verbal and nonverbal expectations. The situation for B can get more challenging if A and/or C go to B intending to discredit the other. B’s only recourse is to refuse to speak about A or C and encourage them again to start talking to one another. The most favorable alternative is for A and C to strengthen their relationship and get to know and appreciate one another while emancipating B from being in the middle.
