Beyond Ghosting: How to Break Up Compassionately

Source: Andrew Neel/Unsplash

The notion of “ghosting” describes abruptly leaving a relationship with no mention of what motivated the choice to move on. In ghosting, online or in-person communication ends with a sudden and undisclosed departure. I suggest it is at least the natural consequence of living in a death-denying culture.

A death-denying culture pretends that death is not an essential part of life. Hence, it gets only too easy to pretend that the end of a relationship is not part of the life of that relationship. The denial helps avoid the emotions accompanying endings, such as sadness, anger, hurt, vulnerability, guilt, and vindictiveness.

Benefits of closing well

Let’s look at some of the benefits of attending to the closing of a relationship.

• Honoring the life and dignity of a relationship. Honoring happens when we take responsibility for sending the message, “You deserve to know if I’ll be joining you or not.”
• Clear closing offers demystification. The person being left has an opportunity to understand what is happening in the relationship.
• Demystification may support letting go of self-incrimination. It can help those being left to let go of blaming themselves.
• Demystification may support future exploration of relationships. When people understand what caused the ending, they may be more ready to trust and take risks in the future.
• Core relationship skills can be further developed. The first is learning to be honest, which compassion should accompany. This is a critical competency in life and the dying of a relationship.

Here are several examples of being honest with no compassion:

• “It’s just that you’re kind of boring.”
• “I need someone more attractive.”
• “I thought our times together would be more exciting.”

Here are some examples of compassion with very little honesty:

• “You are a wonderful person, deserving of someone better than me.”
• “You are brilliant, and I don’t want to compromise your opportunity for inspiring conversations.”
• “You’re going to make someone a wonderful partner.”

Here are several that express both honesty and compassion:

• “I’ve appreciated your warmth and caring, but I think my ambition is taking me in a different direction.”
• “You have a wonderful adventurous spirit, but I’m much more of a homebody."
• “I’ve enjoyed our time together but don’t think I’m ready to commit to you.”

Being the recipient of closure

It can be challenging to hear that someone has decided to leave us. Handling this challenge requires hearing the other person’s intention to close as a statement about their needs and not as a story about you being undeserving. This boundary can also be used at any time in a relationship.

Addressing the ending of any relationship teaches us to live life on its terms—non-permanence or constant change. With this awareness, we can gain more acceptance of the truth that all relationships will end and let go of ghosting as a way to cope with the emotions accompanying endings.

Being honest with compassion and employing boundaries that allow you to pause and be discerning about any feedback you’re receiving from your partner are the two building blocks of emotional intimacy. They allow for the deepening of trust and the willingness to feel vulnerable.

It's reasonable to ask if ghosting is ever appropriate. Yes, if you believe the person you are ghosting will not honor your boundaries and if you feel unsafe. Also, if you strongly think that neither you nor the person will benefit from explaining your need to separate.

Facebook image: PeopleImages.com - Yuri A/Shutterstock