Why Parents' Mental Health Matters So Much to Their Children

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In these hectic and stressful times, it’s easy for parents to get so busy with the activities of parenting, with their jobs, and with all the other demands of life that they forget to take care of their own emotional well-being.

That can be a problem, especially for children. That’s because stressed-out parents tend to have kids who are at risk of developing emotional and behavioral problems. And for parents who are struggling with mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, or trauma, the neglect of self-care can be especially problematic, because parental distress can negatively impact the mental health and ongoing development of children.

How does parental mental health affect children?

Highly stressed parents are more likely to fall back on unhelpful parenting methods when their children misbehave. This can include harsh parenting behaviors (e.g., yelling, hitting) that frighten children and increase their distress and misbehavior. When parents are experiencing chronically high stress, they may also find it difficult to provide their children with warm and responsive parenting—a cornerstone of healthy child development. It’s through warm and responsive parenting that children learn they are lovable and can trust in the people on whom their lives depend.

Highly stressed parents are also more likely to have marital/relational conflict. That's not just a problem for the couple; parental strife is strongly linked to emotional and behavioral problems in children.

In families living in settings of chronic adversity, such as war zones and refugee camps—the focus of my own research—children may learn that the world is profoundly unsafe despite parental warmth and responsiveness. Critically, though, warm and nurturing parenting, even in settings of armed conflict, helps children cope with their fear and gives them a secure base in their families amid the violence and destruction in their environment. Unfortunately, settings of high adversity can generate an awful lot of stress for parents, making it especially challenging to provide their children with calm and supportive interactions.

Mental health conditions in parents, such as depression and PTSD, are strongly linked to emotional and developmental problems in children. This doesn’t mean that distressed parents will inevitably have distressed children; a healthy parent can compensate for their less healthy partner, and grandparents and other healthy adults can buffer the effects of having a persistently distressed parent. But the link between parental distress and children’s mental health is clear: mental health problems in parents increase the risk of emotional and behavioral problems in their children.

The precise pathways by which parental distress impacts children are still being explored, but the evidence suggests at least two mechanisms:

1. Just like parents who are highly stressed, parents who are depressed, highly anxious, or traumatized may be more likely to engage in unhelpful and even harmful parenting practices. These can range from being overprotective or inattentive, to not enforcing rules (e.g., bedtime, eating, hygiene, screen time, etc.), to becoming harsh and even verbally or physically abusive. Distressed parents may also be less likely to provide their children with warm and responsive interactions, which, as noted above, are among the most elemental building blocks of healthy child development.
2. Depression and PTSD have both been shown to negatively affect the development of secure attachments among young children. Insecure attachments, in turn, leave children at increased risk for a host of problems, such as difficulty managing difficult emotions, developing and maintaining friendships, experiencing good self-esteem, and being able to concentrate well in school. One intriguing hypothesis is that parents who dissociate or react fearfully or with anger when something triggers a trauma-related memory, even just for short periods, may cause a powerful sense of alarm in their children. It’s frightening to be interacting with a parent who is suddenly “not there” psychologically. If this happens repeatedly, it can have a negative and lasting impact on a child’s sense of self and feelings of safety.

How can parents strengthen their emotional well-being?

The first step to improving our own well-being is to acknowledge its importance for us as individuals, partners, and parents. If we make self-care a priority, it can pay off richly in our well-being, in the quality of our intimate relationships, and in the well-being of our children.

Strategies for strengthening parental well-being are not rocket science, but they do take a commitment to regular practice.

1. Some sources of stress can be minimized, and it’s worth mapping out key sources of stress during a typical week. What routines can be modified, and what household and family responsibilities can be shared differently to lower stress? When one or both partners regularly bring work-related stress home, that can lead to stressful interactions in the family. It’s helpful to find ways of lowering stress before arriving home or to take a few moments to “de-stress” before engaging with family members. A quick stop at the gym, a brief walk, a long shower, or simply a decision to minimize time spent complaining about work (no matter how legitimate the complaints) can all be helpful.
2. Making time to nurture your intimate relationship is key. Happier couples have healthier children. This doesn’t just mean bringing home flowers or doing small but sweet favors for each other. It means setting aside time to share feelings and concerns, to have fun, and to be intimate. One of the best books I know of for couples wanting to strengthen their relationship is John Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s evidence-based, based on years of research, and filled with great activities. The Gottman Institute also offers wonderful trainings for couples through its network of trained specialists. Esther Patel’s wonderful Mating in Captivity is a great resource for couples looking to revive sexual lives that have stagnated over the years.
3. Exercise is one the best and most evidence-based ways of lowering stress and improving mental health. You don’t need to run 20 miles or play two hours of tennis or pickleball to get the benefits of regular exercise. A brief but brisk walk, a short jog, or a 20-minute at-home yoga routine workout can do wonders to help shake off the day’s stress and improve one’s mood. And if you can make your exercise a social experience, so much the better.
4. Mindfulness practices such as meditation and yoga have powerful effects on lowering stress and reducing anxiety and depression. Simple mindfulness exercises have also been shown to help parents respond with greater calm and thoughtfulness to children’s misbehavior. There are numerous apps to help you get started with either practice. What matters isn’t how long your practice lasts, but that you engage in it consistently and mindfully—without getting distracted by your worries. And if you think you just don’t have the time or temperament for meditation or yoga, see my post on the many ways we can incorporate mindfulness into everyday tasks we already doing.
5. For parents experiencing depression, trauma, or severe anxiety, there is good news. Psychotherapy and counseling are effective at helping people overcome all of these conditions. Find someone whose approach and interpersonal style you feel comfortable with. Don’t worry too much about which professional title they hold (M.D., Ph.D., Psy.D., MSW, MFT, etc.) or what theoretical orientation they identify with (CBT, client-centered, psychodynamic, etc.). All approaches appear to be about equally effective, and the specific graduate degree a therapist or counselor holds doesn’t appear to matter either. Psychiatric medications can also be helpful, and there is intriguing evidence that psychedelic-assisted therapy using psilocybin, ketamine, and MDMA (ecstasy) could support the process of overcoming a variety of psychological disorders. Unfortunately, psychedelic-assisted therapies are still unavailable in many places, but this is likely to change as the compelling evidence continues to accrue.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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