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Sometimes the elements of the universe come together in such as way to create the perfect storm. This event is meant to shake you out of a rut, force you to witness your life, remind you of your mortality, and teach you a universal truth you know but have not yet experienced. Such was the case on my thirty-third birthday. Three elements collided to help me examine where I was, where I had been, and where I was going.
Element 1: My Birthday
You forget that time is passing quickly. Birthdays, especially those when we are older, remind us that time is indeed passing and we are indeed getting older. I was lucky to learn early on the paradoxical lesson that only when I acknowledged my own impending death would I begin to live. Birthdays prompt me to remember that lesson when I take the precious and limited resource of my time on this Earth for granted.
Not only was it my birthday but it was my thirty-third birthday. As most of my friends are celebrating their thirty-third birthday, we have a running joke that we are the same age as Jesus at the time of his death. Whether you recognize Jesus as a prophet or the Son of God, one cannot deny the profound and enduring impact he has had on the world. So when I consider what I have done with my thirty-three years of my life and what Jesus did with his, I can't help feeling that I have wasted quite a bit of mine.
Lesson Learned: I will die, so I had better start to live.
Element 2: The Happiness Project
As part of the book writing process, my literary agent suggested I read The Happiness Project that uses psychological discoveries to inform the pursuit of happiness. While I was preparing to celebrate the completion of another year, this book prompted me to move away from the examination of the past and create goals for the future. What better goal than happiness?
Before even beginning her pursuit of happiness, Gretchen Rubin voices concern that some may view this pursuit as narcissistic, immature, and hedonistic. From my own experience and from those voiced by my patients, many of us are afraid to be happy and are even more afraid to actively pursue it. Maybe we fear it because with the high of happiness comes the inevitable low of sadness, after all what goes up must come down. Maybe we are afraid to pursue it because we fear that we are selfish, but what often makes people happy is living a purposeful life serving humanity. As I blew out the last candle on my cake, I began to think that maybe pursuing a life of happiness wasn't such a bad idea.
Lesson Learned: Pursuing happiness may feel wrong but allows me to extend happiness to others.
Element 3: Eat, Pray, Love
I am always suspicious of the "next best thing". I hate the hype. When we were told to wear skinny pants I wore palazzos. When we were told to allow the universe to grant all of our deepest desires, I assumed the universe wouldn't give me anything unless I earned it. When we were told that Eat, Pray, Love was a book worth reading, I ignored it. Four years later, I am glad I waited until my thirty-third birthday to consider the piece. The messages of living a life you must have rather than living a life you think you should have and losing the self in order to find the self would not have resonated well within with my twenty-something mind.
Happiness for the author, Elizabeth Gibert, is allowing oneself to live rather than exist. Taking an active approach to each day is critical for our spiritual survival. I often use two visuals when describing these concepts to patients. You can imagine that you are the captain of your own ship. You may not be able to predict the rain or sun, visits from friendly passengers or pirates, or even the depth of the bottom or height of the wave, but you can choose to navigate as much of the course as you can. Another visual I use is imagining the self in water. Do the waves wash over you and pull you under? Do you fight against them until they exhaust you? Or do you allow them to help you get to where you want to go? At the end of all things, the greatest tragedy would not be failing to reach fulfillment, the greatest tragedy would be never realizing that the process to attaining it existed.
Lesson Learned: Seek the life that is right for you.
There I was on my birthday, reminded of my mortality, filled with the desire to achieve happiness, and driven to allow my inner needs to guide me to it. What the heck am I going to do now? The greatest thing about birthdays is that you are given a free pass to do whatever the hell you want! I decided to take this one day, this one freaking day, to do just that.
We all wish for that, a day to make our own, but when we actually have it, the possibilities are often overwhelming, and we are hesitant to acknowledge what we really want. Looking back at the past and examining the components of our most precious memories can be an easy way to name what it is we want. For me, my greatest memories always consisted of family and friends, delicious food, being outside....and....beautiful clothes. There I said it, I love clothes.
After rolling out of bed, I started with the pursuit of good food, a Dolly Sin chocolate cake. After having a huge hunk, I peeled off the icing on the corners because, after all, it was my birthday. No sooner after I washed the fudge from my face, did the phone start ringing with calls from those I loved the most. My day was fully packed with meals, coffee klatches, and shopping trips. In order to become one with nature, I scheduled a swim, a walk outside, and late night in a rocking chair on the porch.
Now for The Psychology of Dress, using my wardrobe was probably one of the easiest tools to increase my happiness, shake things up, celebrate, live for the day, and do what I wanted to do without getting arrested. Yes, I know what you are thinking "They're just clothes, Dr. B." Although I certainly agree with you, clothing and accessories if used properly can achieve a much deeper transformation than just looking and feeling good. I decided to use my choices of dress as a manageable and safe way to live one day to the fullest.
Mortality:
As I stood at the entrance of my closet, I wonder what I should wear knowing that time is short. I would wear as many outfits as possible. Each change would work to suit a different phase of my day. So I decided to begin with a beautiful silk robe, move to my running clothes, put on a colorful beaded print shift for lunch, a patio dress and bathing suit for swimming, a day dress for tea, cashmere lounge wear for the early evening, a cocktail dress for dinner and dancing, and soft pajamas for bed. These clothing changes not only facilitated the shift into each portion of my day but also extended the day. Having to alter my appearance every three hours actually stretched my perception of the time I used. I can attribute this to the change of clothing increasing my preparation and awareness of each activity therefore reducing the likelihood that I would experience my day on automatic pilot.
Happiness:
Novelty makes us happy. In her book The Happiness Project, Rubin cites that experiencing new things will increase our joy. Switching up what I wore for the day excited my senses, changed my perspective, and made me feel that I was starting a new day with each outfit. Beading and color also made me happy! Wrapping myself in things that were soft, luxurious, vibrant, and full of light lifted my mood. When I felt energized about my day, that vibe was transferred to all who I encountered.
Authentic Life:
Each outfit fell into one of two categories, neutral, clean, and calm or bold, bright and full of glitter. Assuming your wardrobe matches the occasion, your closet can tell you how you live your days. Do you work, play, or both? Are you active or relax? Do you spend your time inside or out? Is it hot or cold in your surroundings? Are you on the East Coast or West? Do you live in one country or many? Your preference for certain styles of clothing can indicate your preference for a lifestyle that matches. If you love your velour jumpsuit and lambskin slippers you may prefer a life of relaxation and spa days. If you enjoy the sequined cocktail dress you may prefer a night out on the town. When you wear clothes that excite you and make you feel "right" the life that you may want will follow.
I wanted relaxed clothing in the early morning, late afternoon and evening, so I chose activities such as sipping coffee, reading a magazine, sitting on my porch rocking chair, and looking at the stars. During the other times, I wore items with glamour and sophistication. The beaded shift, cocktail dress, and satin platform stilettos worked best at restaurants and on dance floors, so there I went.
We all have birthdays to celebrate. Make yours the one day you can eat, pray, love, cover yourself in glitter, run naked through your backyard, whatever. If not a birthday, pick another day that you can make your own. If you can't spare a day set aside a couple of hours to return to the self. These small chunks of time have an additive effect, so even the five minutes you take sitting in traffic to learn French on tape will improve your overall living experience. Now if you'll excuse me I have a chocolate cake calling my name, and I intend to answer.
