Men Can Embrace Responsive Desire

Rosemary Basson and Lori Brotto empowered women by introducing the concept of “responsive sexual desire.” This concept challenged the male definition of desire as a spontaneous erection driven by the intense need for intercourse and orgasm. This definition has been viewed as the “right, natural” way to experience desire and those reinforced men have much higher desire than women. In contrast, responsive desire involves giving and receiving pleasure as well as awareness of intimacy, feeling open, and desirability, and responsivity to affectionate, sensual, and playful touch. Responsive desire is a legitimate (and even preferred) way to engage sexually. Receptivity and responsivity to pleasure are first, and desire follows.

Accepting responsive desire freed women and couples to embrace a new awareness of sexuality based on pleasure and receptivity to physical and emotional intimacy. As Emily Nagoski says, “Pleasure is the measure.”

However, the new understanding of desire was not supposed to apply to men. Media myths and “common sense” celebrate strong, spontaneous desire accompanied by a firm erection. A “real man” was expected to be ready for sex any time, any place, and in any situation. “Getting hard” quickly was necessary to feel like a man. This is not a healthy understanding, although automatic and autonomous sexual response is the common experience of adolescent and young adult males.

However, this is an oppressive demand for adult men. Between the ages 35 to 55, men typically have a “sensitizing” experience—he does not have or cannot maintain an erection sufficient for intercourse. Men can accept this as normal sexual variability, but a number fall into the trap of anticipatory anxiety, rush to intercourse because of fear of losing their erection, and eventually, he develops erectile dysfunction (ED). Even more harmful, he feels low desire because sex has become a pass-fail performance test rather than a pleasurable experience.

Ideally, the man promotes erectile self-efficacy by using psychological, bio-medical, and relational resources to enhance the sexual experience. Most important, he adopts the Good Enough Sex (GES) model of sexuality as a couple's process to share pleasure. GES recognizes that sexuality has a range of roles, meanings, and outcomes. When sexuality does not flow to intercourse, rather than panic and apologize, the couple transitions to a satisfying sensual or erotic scenario. The man who falls into the trap of intercourse as an individual performance test is controlled by erectile anxiety and fears of failure that undermine desire.

In the mantra of desire-pleasure-eroticism-satisfaction desire is the most important dimension. Awareness of the value of responsive desire is key for men, especially after age 40. He does not need an erection to engage with his partner. He is “present” to share pleasure with her. Being active in giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touch is superior to being passive and hoping her manual and or oral stimulation will turn him on. In fact, when subjective arousal is low penile stimulation can be a turn-off because he feels self-conscious, which is anti-erotic.

Women find their partner’s responsive desire a turn-on. She feels needed sexually in a way she hadn’t previously. Sexual desire and response are natural and genuine. The challenge for the man is to accept this new way of experiencing desire. He embraces responsive desire as first-class male sexuality. In porn and other media depictions, men always have predictable erections, this was the only acceptable way to demonstrate desire. He learns to be a “wise man” who accepts both responsive and spontaneous desire. He is aware of a range of stimuli, including erotic fantasies, to promote sexual openness. Wise men are sexual in their 60s, 70s, and 80s. Couple sexuality is affirming and satisfying. She is his intimate and erotic ally. Desire-pleasure-eroticism-satisfaction is a couple's experience, not individual performance. Responsive desire is as valuable for the man as for the woman. Sexuality is a “team sport “with responsive desire a core component.