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How important is sex in a couple relationship?
The sexual paradox is that healthy couple sexuality has a small but integral role (15-20 percent) in a relationship (marriage). The prime functions of sexuality are to reinforce feelings of desire and desirability and to energize your couple bond. The paradox is that dysfunctional, conflictual, and especially avoidant sexuality has a powerful negative role (50-75 percent), demoralizing the individuals and threatening relational stability. This is particularly true in the first two-to-five years of marriage.
In healthy individual and couple sexuality, you accept that sex is a good thing in life — not evil or shameful). Your sexuality is integral to who you are as a person. The issue is whether sex has a positive or negative role in your life and relationship. Traditionally in our culture male sexuality was affirmed while female sexuality was portrayed as problematic with potentially devastating consequences — unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, rape, social ostracism. In truth, for adult relationships there are many more sexual similarities than differences between women and men, especially affirming the value of desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction. The couple celebrates sexuality which reinforces being intimate and erotic allies rather than the traditional gender split of women advocating for intimacy while men emphasize eroticism.
Each partner is responsible for his or her own sexuality and values being an intimate sexual team. Whether you're in a sexual friendship, a lover's relationship, or a marriage, you trust that your partner would not intentionally do something to cause you psychological or sexual harm. Sadly, there is something about sexual conflicts and dysfunction that brings out the worst in people and causes the relationship to become toxic and destructive. Rather than engaging in emotional problem-solving, the relationship degenerates into a blame/counter-blame power struggle which harms both partners, draining self-esteem and disrupting life plans.
