How to Think About Autism and Motherhood

“When a person does not fit the image of what the majority expects everyone to be like, there is a harsh judgement of unworthiness. Membership in the clique of the “normal” is denied. A person who isn’t careful can internalize this judgement and stigmatize themselves as not good enough. Stigma does untold personal and social damage.” (Gates, 2019, p91).

The more I learn about autism and particularly how my condition has impacted my life, the more I understand why it is such a complex and difficult topic to write about. I struggle with relationships, particularly expectations around relationships, and I have felt the stigma around not conforming to gender expectations around parenting. Stigma is very damaging and thankfully I have made advances to move on from societal stigma and embrace my neurodiversity. I try to help others to do the same. As an autistic mother, I am not able to do what many people who are neurotypical can do, but I believe I have other skills and abilities which make a capable and good parent.

One of my children in the woods.

Source: Louise Taylor

I have always enjoyed being alone and as I age, I am becoming more and more selective about who I spend time with. The most satisfying and positive relationships I have are with my children. This is because I have few expectations of them and I love them completely and absolutely without condition. To me, they are perfect. Their perfection is not reliant on them behaving in a manner I project onto them, it is because they exist, and while they make mistakes and do things wrong, I view them with adoration and pride (and hypervigilance). Both are unique, both are brilliant, both are perfect to me (and their father).

My children know me as their Mum. Autism means very little to them and while they know I’m different from other parents they accept me and love me as I am. They think I’m annoying, they roll their eyes when I ask them to brush their teeth, they find me embarrassing when I dance and sing to my music, but they know nothing else and when I told them that I was autistic last year after my diagnosis, their responses were brilliantly nonchalant. It meant nothing to them and didn't change a thing, I was still the same person I had always been to them.

I have observed many parents and I think I differ primarily in terms of punishment and discipline. I don’t shout at my children. I seldom tell them off and the thought of smacking them seems absolutely bonkers to me. I treat my children as equals. I see them as people who are wise and who are individual and I see it as my role to support them as they become their true, authentic selves.

One of my children in one of my favourite places.

Source: Louise Taylor

My autism means I’m different, it means I parent differently, and I exist in the world differently. I am grateful that I can co-parent with my children’s father in a positive and flexible manner, where he respects my parenting style. I remember the births of both of my children and the challenges that came with the pregnancies, the birth and the initial few months after they were born, and I remember how terrified I was and how scared I was that I would do anything to jeopardize their health and wellbeing.

Not only do I protect my children, I nurture them. I educate them and I have been home educating them using a child-centred approach for the last four years. Health visitors, educational staff, other parents, and many of those who have supported me over the years have regularly commented on my parenting and my intellect regarding progressive and effective education models and practices. Their happiness, and them reaching their potential is how I will measure their success in life and in adulthood.

Being a parent with autism spectrum disorder has its challenges and for me the biggest challenge has been my ability to manage my fears of them being harmed and mistreated by others. I see my role as being their carer, their protector, their greatest supporter, their fiercest ally and the person who they know believes in them and will love and support them until my last breath. Becoming a mother changed my life and even though I find it hard to conform to maternal stereotypes and was always unable to behave fittingly at mother toddler groups and other mumsy pursuits, being a parent is something we can do as autistic adults with the right support and the right people around us.

“No one has the right to assume anything in terms of your ability to parent based purely on an identification of autism. No one knows what kind of parent you will be, and no one can predict how being a parent will affect you. Being autistic cannot, in itself, tell anyone anything about your parenting skill set.” (Beardon, 2017, p108)