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Source: Creative CommonsGod, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
“If I have enough toilet paper and Purell, then I will feel better.” “If I stay permanently inside, then I will be OK.” “If I watch TV, read articles, and learn everything there is to know about COVID-19, then I will be in control.” “If I hoard food, then my family will be OK.” “If I tell everyone on social media what I think that they should be doing to stay safe, then we will all be better off.” “If I wash my hands with antibacterial soap excessively, then I will stay healthy."
These are the lies that we tell ourselves. It is human nature to grasp onto the external to make us feel safe and secure. Toilet paper, Purell, and antibacterial soap have become international symbols for failed attempts to gain control over our health. Excessive purchasing of these products does not logically make sense in terms of the COVID-19 prevention: This is not a stomach ailment, the only need for Purell is when you are without access to soap and water, and this is a virus that antibacterial soap cannot kill.
Think about what you may be doing at this time excessively to make yourself feel safe? Is it working? Are you worrying in order to feel "more" prepared? Do you feel calmer and safer? Probably not.
As a therapist, I have worked with clients who have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). This is an anxiety disorder that relies on compulsive behavior (i.e., checking the stove 10 times to be sure that it is off) in order to relieve the obsessive thought (i.e., “Something bad is going to happen to my house, or it may burn down”). While you may see the irrational nature of needing to check the stove 10 times before leaving your house, this individual may have started off checking one or two times, realized that they still had anxiety, and then increased the number of times they check.
This is similar to what is happening with behaviors surrounding COVID-19. People have been advised to wash their hands before and after eating, using the bathroom, and when coming back into the home. While this may have initially been enough to relieve someone's stress, they then watched another breaking news report, learned about more cases, checked social media, and had their work shut down—which then led to excessive Purell usage, washing their hands repeatedly, constant worrying or watching more news.
But do they feel reassured? Do they feel calmer? Probably not, because one could always do more to stay safe. In the case of OCD, anxiety and obsessive, worrying thoughts cannot be permanently relieved through compulsive action. The anxiety will likely return, and the behavior may not be enough to calm the obsessive thoughts—essentially building tolerance.
People are grasping at external behaviors, people, and things to quell their fears. Anger and shaming others is evidence of this. If a loved one, stranger, or public leader is not doing things the way that would make individuals “feel” better, then anger and judgment follow. If friends are not following the “social distancing” recommendation, and others are getting angry and panicked, fear is guiding the response—even if it is justified.
People have been hoarding toilet paper, masks, soap, Purell, and food. We are never going to be able to control the actions of all others. Government leaders are never going to do all that you believe that they should do. If an individual is feeling stress and anxiety, then it is natural to want to find a target to blame. Most everyone wants answers as to why lives have changed so drastically in the past several weeks, and it gives us a false sense of control to blame people, a country, public figures, or leaders.
However, the solution is in the mind. The truth is, we are not in control of the external world. Acceptance of that fact can lead to inner peace. Trying to gain control externally is an emotional roller coaster. That explains why it can be so frustrating for individuals trying to make the outside world line up so that they feel internally safe and calm.
So, what is the solution? It is a simple concept but can be difficult to apply. We need to take responsibility for our internal state of mind and thoughts in order to change how we feel. Here are some suggestions (in addition, please refer to the blog picture):
1. Accept that you are not in control.
2. Increase your awareness of how you are feeling.
3. Practice mindfulness—not judging your thoughts or feelings as they arise.
4. Do not immediately react to how you are feeling; just allow yourself to feel.
5. Give yourself a break from the internet, news, and social media, and try to be present.
6. Engage in activities that are positive, healthy, and clear your mind and change your mood (e.g., exercise, deep breathing, reading a book, spiritual practice, playing with your pet, going on a walk, doing yoga, talking to a loved one about a humorous topic, laughing, etc.).
7. Try to challenge negative automatic thoughts with rational responses and positive mantras (e.g., "This too shall pass," "Odds are, I will be OK," "In this moment, I am safe," etc.).
8. Notice that while in the midst of this pandemic, you are able to be at peace—even for a moment.
9. Observe how you feel before and after you speak with anxious loved ones, watch or read stressful media reports, and check social media. Remember, that nothing has changed at that moment except the outside information that you are receiving.
10. Clear your mind again through any positive means that work for you.
11. Observe what external sources you have been relying on for control (e.g., media, washing hands, hoarding supplies, worrying, etc.).
12. Notice if you feel better, the same, or worse if you engage in those external behaviors.
13. Try to refocus on a healthy mind-clearing activity a little bit longer each day.
14. If you are spending time in a stressful environment or needing to watch the news or go onto social media, then be sure to counteract those activities with positive mind-clearing ones.
While we are not in control of the chaos in the world, we are in control of the state of mind that we strive for in our daily lives. COVID-19 is making it abundantly clear that we need to have the wisdom to determine what we can and cannot control in our daily lives. This is a choice that we must make each day, especially during difficult times. There is power in knowing that peace lies within us, no matter what is happening around us.
Note: If you are experiencing extreme mental health symptoms, please consult with a therapist to assess what type of treatment may be most appropriate for you. Psychology Today's Therapist Directory is an excellent resource for finding a good therapist who can meet your needs. It is also advised to follow the recommendations of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
References
Here is an excellent resource for mental health coping skills in dealing with COVID-19: http://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/COVID-19-Mental-Health-Tips-HSPH.pdf
