Another Day, Another Lemonade Moment

If you are experiencing significant worry and distress, then you’re part of the more than 4 in 10 Americans who experience significant stress, according to a 2021 Gallup survey. Though there might be some comfort in knowing that you’re not alone, what can be more helpful is the ability to make peace with distress and embrace it for the opportunity that it can be.

That’s not to say that I wish hardship on anyone or that we should just pretend that everything is OK when it’s not. Rather this is an acknowledgment that life can be hard and that we have a choice as to whether to focus on sourness or to make psychological lemonade. But how do we make lemonade in real life?

Here are four tips for switching to creating a drinkable citrus confection when it feels like you’re sucking lemons.

Know that change is a process.

The Stages of Change Model (Prochaska and DiClemente, 1983) describes the process that we undergo when considering change, where the action stage is the fourth out of six steps. In other words, we must go through the three previous steps before we are ready to move toward the change we desire.

I’ve discovered that the changes I need to make in my life usually lurk beneath my awareness until some self-limiting belief rears its ugly head in my life. Such shadow beliefs might present themselves in the form of a mistake, a rocky conversation or interpersonal dynamic, or feeling upset or out of control in general. My discomfort might be my first awareness that something—a shadow issue, perhaps—might benefit from attention. If and when I come to that conclusion, I move into the contemplation and then the preparation stage (i.e., the two stages prior to action). These steps are generally not skipped and take time, though I’ve also found that they can happen very quickly when trauma or catastrophe occur.

Recognize that rock bottom offers insight.

Though a personal catastrophe thrust me into the action stage with very little precursor, most other times in my life, I had experienced extended and often repeated periods of discomfort, anger, fear, blame, depression, or self-recrimination before the issue caught my attention (pre-contemplation stage). The worse the situation, the more I was forced to pause, reflect, and recognize what was going wrong in my life (contemplation stage).

Often, I had to hit rock bottom, which I define as feeling trapped where I must reckon with my own accountability: All my other strategies (blame, depression, etc.) either failed or backfired. When I finally recognize that the only thing that I could control was my own perspective and behavior is when I can move from contemplation into the preparation and action stages.

Since I have become aware of this process and the benefit of embracing learning early (let’s just skip the suffering part), I have become more proficient and efficient at moving through these cycles. Now, at the first (or second or third…) sign of discomfort and challenge, I move into curiosity and inquiry about my anger or fear. I discover both the belief that is causing me trouble and what is within my locus of control. I plan my actions based on my insights as I endeavor to be kind to myself and others and peaceful while also enforcing my boundaries. Then I implement, rinse, and repeat (maintenance stage).

The lesson I keep re-learning: being present

Though all difficult situations offer unique opportunities for learning, growth, and wisdom, inevitably, I find that I am continually re-learning one skill: how to be present. I’ve had to learn this lesson with respect to my career. Then my romantic relationship. Then money. Then relationship again. Then career again. Then money again. And so on.

Even though I’ve achieved a certain competency through practice, life continually shows me where I have gaps or weaknesses in my ability to be present. I keep learning which situations trigger my shadow issues and, thus, where additional attention and healing are needed over and over again.

With each round, I become increasingly proficient, peaceful, and grateful.

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In other words, I view life itself as an endless Socratic method where the teacher keeps showing me where I need to shore up my skills. I am rewarded with an inner transformation that enables me to feel less stressed and more in tune with my heart and soul.

The second lesson I keep re-learning: being non-judgmental

In addition to learning to be more present, I also find that I constantly re-learn that I benefit from not judging people, things, events, or feelings to be good or bad. That’s not to say that I refrain from making choices; I still have to make decisions that affect my daily life, like what to purchase, where to work, with whom to associate, etc.

Rather, I’m referring to the practice of not attaching disappointment or anger to people, places, things, emotions, or situations. For example, my biggest test of exercising non-judgment occurred when my beloved husband Christopher became ill and died from cancer. While I wouldn’t wish premature death or illness on my worst enemy, I also know that everything in life is temporary and that death and illness are also facts of life and nature. I strive to avoid judging them as either good or bad. They just are.

This practice of acceptance involves working within my sphere of influence (supporting health and healing for Chris and myself) while also recognizing that most of it is out of my control. Understanding that trauma also invites transformation was a lifeline out of the shambles of my life.

Though this practice gets harder when confronting beliefs about mortality, “real” safety or health issues, or losses of what I hold most dear or necessary, it also is where the rubber meets the road. Here’s where the gifts of a deep-seated sense of peace and gratitude were available to me.

Feeling overwhelmed by life is natural. Know that you are not alone. Using available resources can help you become and maintain your ability to be a first-class lemonade-maker.

So drink up and enjoy!