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Jane "Nightbirde" Marczewski passed away a few weeks ago. Many knew her as a breakout star from the America's Got Talent series who auditioned for season 16 of AGT last summer. She performed an original song, It's Okay, and impressed the judges with her beautiful voice and wisdom. Unfortunately, Nightbirde had to drop out of the competition due to her long battle with cancer but continued to inspire many of us with her music, grace, hopefulness, and insight.
A few months before her death, she posted this on Instagram:
In the past 20 months, my most vibrant hopes and deepest fears have been poured onto the same canvas. I stare into the chaos of it. My ears are ringing. The universe offered herself to me, then cut off my hands.
I think about the dreams my heart has carried since I was little. Dreams of singing to the whole world at once; writing words that sink so deep they don't need to be remembered; being a truth-teller, a hope-holder, a strength-sharer. Wait, am I in the dream?
It's not how wanted it, but this is the dream. I'm in it. It's happening now.
I thought it would be sparklier than this. I didn't imagine standing before the world with so many bruises. I didn't imagine that in my shining moment, I'd be suffering in front of an audience. I've always expected miracles. I thought the miracle would be that I could skip to the end, spared of pain. I thought the miracle would make me scar-free, brand new.
I did get a miracle—just not the one I wanted. I get to look for light and find it. I get to see how much love can endure. I get to walk the journey with thousands of people like me, who can't stop hoping, no matter how hard we try.
If we only take the miracles that taste sweet, I don't think we'll ever taste one. If we wait until we have the perfect song, I don't think we'll ever sing. Don't miss it—it's now. We are in the miracle; we are in the dream.
It seems for Nightbirde, her dream of singing to the world and touching people so profoundly was coming true, and at the time she wrote this, she was very sick and in pain while going through treatment. She was experiencing her miracle and her dream, but it came in a way that she never expected. If she was not careful, the pain could mute the glory of her reaching and inspiring so many.
Although very different than mine and many of yours reading this article, Nightbirde’s situation did make me reflect on my own life. It made me think of the days I get lost in the pain of my husband leaving me over three years ago, and her post reminded me that even with my pain, I am still experiencing miracles. I am living my dream.
My two daughters are out in the world doing well. I have two books published, a podcast, and a great part-time CFO job at The Motherhood Center of New York, a women's day hospital. Yet, as I am in the dream, I often don't see it because it didn't come the way I thought. In a way, my mindset can be that I'm still "waiting for it." Still waiting for the pain of my husband leaving me to go away. Still waiting for life to look like I dreamt it would be. But that's not how my miracle tastes.
My miracle tastes sweet, and my miracle tastes bitter. Nightbirde’s post made me stop and ask myself, "What am I waiting for?" "What is it going to take for me to appreciate all that is?"
I write about this today because I feel a lot of you reading this article are living in your miracle. Maybe many of you have always wanted to be in your current profession or achieved a lifelong dream of owning a business. Perhaps you wanted to go to college and get a job to support yourself. Or maybe you wanted to get married and have kids.
I bet there are many things in your life that you dreamed of or wanted that have come true. But because many of these things come with stress, worry, hurdles, and problems, we forget that we are, in so many ways, in our dream. We forget that a part of us is experiencing the miracle of what we dreamed of our entire lives. Because it may not look the way we thought, our mind keeps going into the future, hoping for the day that everything will work out the way we imagined so we can finally enjoy our lives and the fruits of our labor. But Nightbirde is showing us all, "What are we waiting for to taste the miracles of our lives?"
So, if you are feeling dissatisfaction with parts of your life right now because life is not exactly how you thought it was going to be, consider asking yourself: Are the pains and the problems distracting you to such a point that you can't taste the present moment?
Write down all the things you have achieved in your life. Write down the dreams you had as a child or teenager, young adult, or even last year for friendships, relationships, jobs, education, hobbies, whatever is meaningful to you.
And yes, there will be things you haven't gotten to yet, but I bet there will be things you have done. Try to look at all the things you wanted to do and see what you have completed, even if they were messy, even if they're not exactly the way you want them to be. Try to see the miracle. Try to celebrate what you have accomplished. And as you sit in that place, perhaps you'll be inspired to achieve even more or at least be so grateful for the life you have created.
I think Nightbirde would love us all to remember that our dreams come with bumps and bruises and things we didn't expect, but they also come with blessings, joy and expansion, and those moments where we can feel the miracle of being alive. So, try to recognize what you have achieved; remember who you are and from that place of remembering, keep dreaming, keep trying and keep hoping.
Maybe we will all find, "it's now. We are in the miracle; we are in the dream."
Rest in Peace Jane "Nightbirde" Marczewski.
