Behaviors that Signal Romantic or Sexual Interest

It can be difficult to tell whether someone likes you. It can be even more challenging to figure out exactly how and why they are interested in you. Are they just looking for a bit of company? Are they after some romance and snuggling? Or do they want even more?

Research reveals that there's a lot of confusion on the topic, especially between what men and women think—and how they may wrongly estimate each other's interest. Nevertheless, researchers have identified ways to figure out how a prospective date or mate feels about you. They suggest focusing on specific behaviors.

Inferring Interest from Behavior

This topic was explored in a classic article by Kowalski (1993). In two studies, the researcher asked men and women to rate the level of sexual interest indicated by 27 different behaviors. Those ratings were then used to group the behaviors into three categories, as well as to look at gender differences in perceptions of those behaviors.

Kowalski’s results demonstrated that men and women can view the same interpersonal behaviors very differently. Men tended to perceive more sexual interest than women, especially when evaluating ambiguous behaviors like smiling at someone or sharing a drink with them. With more overtly sexual behaviors, however, there was greater agreement between women and men.

Categories of Behaviors

Men and women showed more agreement on behaviors that showed general dating interest, romantic interest, or sexual interest. Thus, results indicated that you could get a general sense of interest by categorizing behavior into one of those three groupings.

Dating Behaviors: This category shows general dating interest. That doesn't mean someone wants romance or sex (at least not yet), but they want to spend time and get to know you. One of the clearest indications of this type of interest is whether they ask you out on a date directly (or accept your date request). Other behaviors indicating dating interest include making eye contact, smiling, complimenting, and holding hands. Furthermore, sharing dating activities themselves can also be an indication of such interest, like having dinner together, going to a movie, sharing a drink, dancing, or attending a party together.

Romantic Behaviors: This next set of behaviors can indicate an interest in greater intimacy and romance; however, they are not yet sexual in nature. Here again, one of the best indicators of romantic interest is a date asking you back to their place (or agreeing to go back to your place). Other romantic behaviors include setting the mood with romantic music, sitting or laying beside a date on a couch, and possibly changing into something more comfortable. From there, the general progression of touch also can indicate increasing romantic interest—leaning in close, offering a back rub, kissing, and placing a hand on a date's thigh.

Sexual Behaviors: Finally, men and women generally agreed that these behaviors were the most likely to show potential sexual interest. Like above, Kowalski (1993) notes that one of the best clues to sexual interest is whether someone directly asks you to spend the night with them. Beyond that, cues to greater sexual interest align with general foreplay behaviors—taking off a shirt, undressing, touching breasts/chest, then touching genitals. Nevertheless, it is important to remember that there are still some gender differences here, and even these behaviors do not guarantee further consent, or that a partner won't change their mind about sex occurring as an interaction continues.

Indicating and Decoding Interest

Given the above, how can you decode the interest of others? Furthermore, how can you clearly indicate your own interest back? Here are three steps to help.

1) Look for and send clear signals: The biggest issue in dating is different interpretations of interest, especially between men and women. Nevertheless, you can minimize that difference by using the categories above. Specifically, if someone shares a drink with you, don’t assume they want to sleep with you. Alternatively, if they invite you back to their place, don’t assume they’re just being friendly.

Similarly, if you only want to date someone, then go out to dinner but don’t go back to their place either. In short, keep your own behaviors within the category of your current level of interest—and consider your partner doing the same. That way, you won’t over- or underestimate their intentions and you won’t give them the wrong impression either.

2) Follow the progression: There is a clear progression of intensity from category to category. All dating and relating follows this pattern, from general dating, to touching and kissing, to foreplay.

The more formal courtship rules of previous eras clarified the progression and prevented confusion. Today, the onus is on each person to take things one step at a time, pay attention to your partner’s behavior and body language, and assess their levels of comfort and interest. If a partner tries to skip ahead beyond your level of interest, redirect things back to the category that is at your comfort level (e.g. “Rather than going back to your place for Netflix, let’s go see that new movie at the theater tonight.”)

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3) When in doubt, ask directly: As the research shows, some of the best indicators of interest are direct requests. If a partner asks you out on a date, to go back to their place, or to spend the night, you have a clear indications of their level of interest. By the same token, you can help clarify their level of interest by asking them one of those questions directly and seeing whether they accept. Direct requests have a good chance of success for dates and even for sex. So, if you’re confused or unclear, just ask!

© 2024 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.