"Fake It Till You Make It" Narcissism

When I was in the process of figuring out personalized ways to become comfortable in my own skin as a timid 17-year-old gay teenager in 1983, one of the songs that helped boost my sense of self-sufficiency, confidence, and openness to experience was, “My Myself I," by Joan Armatrading. In this song, Armatrading sings, “I sit here by myself. And you know, I love it... I’d like to sail the oceans before the seas run dry. I wanna go by myself. I came into this world alone. Me, Myself, I.”

In the early 1980s, I didn’t think about the protagonist in this song through the lens of being narcissistic or the so-called "Dark Triad" (DT) of traits (Machiavellianism, subclinical psychopathy (SP), and subclinical narcissism (SN).

That said, in the past month, I’ve been thinking a lot about the research of Kostas Papageorgiou and his findings that SN is associated with some positive effects that include more mental toughness (MT), fewer depressive symptoms (DS), and lower perceived stress (PS). Yesterday, I wrote a Psychology Today blog post, “3 Counterintuitive Ways Narcissism Is Not a Dark Trait,” based on a Q&A with Kostas.

Last night, I was describing this research on the phone to my mom and explaining to her that—although it’s taboo to immodestly admit being high on some narcissistic traits—I proudly self-identified as a “subclinical narcissist.” I went on to describe some specific trial-and-error ways I learned to muster up mental toughness (even when I was scared to death) as an athlete that I thought others could benefit from, too. Mom’s "aha!" moment was, "Oh, I get it. You're describing 'fake it till you make it narcissism.' I didn't realize what you meant at first, 'Subclinical Narcissism' sounds so technical." I like the new colloquial "FITYMI narcissism" phrase my mom tossed out last night and decided to write a follow-up blog post elaborating on this terminology today.

Peter Clough’s 4Cs Model of Mental Toughness (2002):

1. Control (life and emotion): The tendency to feel and act as if one is influential and keep anxieties in check.
2. Commitment: The tendency to be deeply involved in pursuing goals despite difficulties that arise.
3. Challenge: The tendency to see potential threats as opportunities for self-development and to continue to strive in changing environments.
4. Confidence (in abilities and interpersonal): The belief that one is a truly worthwhile person in spite of setbacks, and the ability to push oneself forward in social settings.

One of the main takeaways from my interview with Kostas Papageorgiou is that of the 4Cs (Control, Commitment, Challenge, Confidence) under Clough’s mental toughness model, Confidence may be the most important for kick-starting mental toughness, but that all four "Cs" are interrelated.

In our Q&A Kostas said, “So my advice would be to explore different domains to find out what you are best at, (and when you do), do not succumb to societal pressure to be modest about your abilities; seek Challenge and approach it with Confidence; perceive change as an opportunity to grow and ultimately take control of your life by evaluating rather than blindly accepting societal norms, it is easier than you think.”

Interestingly, Kostas’ advice sums up how I unwittingly fortified the 4Cs of mental toughness when I stumbled on my love of running to music on my Walkman in the summer of ‘83 as a way to cope with crippling anxiety and clinical depression as a closeted gay teen. I poured myself into running that summer and went on to seek every new challenge as a runner (and in life) with ever-growing confidence.

Although I didn’t necessarily feel worthwhile as a human being when I first started jogging as a 17-year-old, every day that I laced up my sneakers and finished a grueling run, my feelings of self-worth grew in tandem with my weekly mileage and MT. (For more see, "Have We Underestimated the Harm of Low Self-Esteem?")

As a long-distance runner, I purposely developed some traits associated with “grandiose narcissism,” but regardless of winning or losing a race, I always identified much more as the underdog than a "champion" and still do.

My explanatory style of consciously framing myself as an underestimated "comeback-kid" may be linked to attending a pretentious Connecticut boarding school (Choate Rosemary Hall) where I was ostracized and mocked for being a “sissy.” I knew I'd never be welcomed into the “old boys’ club” because I was gay. That said, because I felt so much animosity towards the "Preppy Handbook" trust-fund babies who bullied me, I had zero interest in pretending to be someone I wasn't in order to fit societal norms. I didn't want to become a Bonfire of the Vanities “Master of the Universe."

As a music-related protagonist example, I've always gained more inner-strength from identifying with the scrappy “little ole ant” or the ram who "keeps buttin' that dam" and refuses to give up in Frank Sinatra's song “High Hopes” than the tongue-in-cheek egomaniac in "Everybody Loves Me, Baby!" by Don McLean.

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Christopher Bergland winning the longest non-stop triathlon in the world, "The Triple Ironman" (7.2-mile swim, 336-mile bike, 78.6-mile run) for the third year in a row with a record-breaking time of 38 hours and 46 minutes.

Source: Dawn Mann, used with permission.

While at Choate, I learned how to "Flip the Script: Turning Naysayer Put-Downs into Rocket Fuel." As a specific example, my dean was also the head coach of the varsity football and baseball teams. Because I was a relatively effeminate adolescent, who wasn't into sports, he chastised me and did his best to make me feel 'less-than' because I wasn't a jock. Luckily, I was able to "flip the script" and turn his disparaging comments into a source of motivation.

In a kind of snarky shout-out to my boarding school dean in the book acknowledgments of The Athlete's Way (2007), I wrote, "Thank you for trying to convince me that I would amount to nothing. Whether it was reverse psychology or not, you forced me to make something of my life just to prove you wrong. I needed to succeed at first just to spite you. I didn't ever want you to be able to say, 'I told you so.' My resentment toward you was the seed that sparked my athletic conversion. At the end of the day, I am grateful to you for being so hard on me, even though it really sucked at the time. Thank you.”

Along this same line, throughout the late 1980s when homophobia seemed to be at an all-time high based on fear of the AIDS pandemic, it became obvious that as a member of the LGBTQ community I belonged to a marginalized group that was being treated like second-class citizens.

"Ignorance = Fear" by Keith Haring, 1989

Source: © Keith Haring Foundation

As part of the ongoing struggle for gay rights, I joined ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power) and took to the streets in non-violent civil disobedience. Our motto was “Silence = Death.” Even though we were terrified and our community was being decimated by HIV and a lack of government funding for research, we rallied together with a perfect blend of camaraderie and mental toughness to "Engage the Powers" and defy the status quo.

As an endurance athlete, I subconsciously transferred the lessons I learned about mental toughness in the face of adversity during the late 1980s as a member of ACT UP to every starting line of an Ironman triathlon or ultra-marathon in the decades that followed. Before a race, I’d give myself a “You can do this, Chris!” pep talk while listening to a playlist of inspiring music that tapped into a spectrum of raw emotions and drowned out the chorus of cynical "You're going to fail!" naysayers in my head.

Because I was one of the few openly gay athletes competing on an international circuit in the early 1990s, I always had to navigate the thin line between pretending to be tougher than I really am (I'm a highly-sensitive person) while simultaneously having enough chutzpah and self-belief to take the bull by the horns and challenge myself to keep running, biking, and swimming faster and farther than my rivals. My quirky pre-race ritual says a lot about how I fostered a sense of fun-loving but gritty “fake it till you make it narcissism” without being a Styrofoam phony or Pollyanna.

Madonna's patchouli-scented album "Like a Prayer" was released on March 21, 1989.

Source: Christopher Bergland

As I’ve said many times before, music and olfaction were my two primary tools for creating what I call a “YES! Bring it on. I got this!” mindset. Because the patchouli-laced “Like a Prayer” album from spring of 1989 and seeing a “Blond Ambition” amfAR benefit for Keith Haring (1958-1990) changed my life, these songs and fragrance became an integral part of my recipe for actively boosting my mental toughness—while also staying in touch with the power of raw emotions—at every Ironman triathlon starting line in other countries or Hawai’i.

For example, the swim portion of an Ironman in places like South Africa or Australia often occurs in shark-infested waters. Ever since 1975, after seeing JAWS, I automatically start hearing John Williams’ JAWS soundtrack when I’m swimming in the ocean. So, as a "fake it till you make it" trick, I would consciously facilitate a type of “active forgetting” by overlaying these memory engrams with a mix of smells that made me feel safe and pop music that made me happy. (For more see, "Music, Fiction, and the Neuroscience of Active Forgetting.")

More specifically, the combination of patchouli, Coppertone and my mother’s signature scent by Annick Goutal, “Eau d’ Hadrien” was the olfactory blend of top notes, heart notes, and base notes that facilitated my “fake it till you make it” starting-line mindset. I’d also play the quintessential sunshiny-day pop song “Cherish” while visualizing Herb Ritts’ video just before diving in the water for an Ironman ocean swim, and hum this buoyant pop song to block out the scary refrain of the JAWS theme song from becoming an earworm.

Madonna singing, "Everyone must stand alone," echoes the sentiment of Armatrading's "Me, Myself, I" and never fails to give me a temporary hit of self-sufficiency when I would otherwise be overtaken by self-doubt and paralyzing fear.

Boosting self-confidence and maintaining a semblance of mental toughness is a daily process that, for me, is never set in stone. Obviously, this thought experiment surrounding what my mom calls “fake it till you make it narcissism” is in its earliest phase. I’m still trying to connect the dots between how mental toughness can facilitate positive effects associated with subclinical narcissism.

That said, I’m looking forward to some upcoming research from Papageorgiou’s Interdisciplinary Research in Resilience and Cognition Laboratory (InteRRaCt Lab) that will explore the link between physical activity, music, and mental toughness more in-depth next year.