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Key points
- Relationship dynamics in which you have responsibility, but no authority are a stress red flag.
- Such situations are highly stressful and not compatible with mental wellness.
- You are particularly vulnerable if you don't meet the traditional mold of what an authority figure looks like.
- The other person involved may have an implicit bias that is causing them to deny you authority.
I’ve spent over two decades as a frontline clinician treating psychological distress in people who frequently complain of feeling “totally overwhelmed” and “completely stressed out.”
These terms are very broad and require follow-up questions on my part to get to the heart of the problem. Over the years, I’ve found a theme often emerges and it looks something like this: A person is stuck in a stressful situation with someone important in their life; it could be a spouse with whom they are making a childcare decision or a parent who needs their help with eldercare or a project deadline assigned by their boss. Regardless of the situation, when we drill down to the essence of what is stressing them out, it often can be summed up with this phrase: They feel like they have all the responsibility for the situation but no (or very little) authority.
Here is an example: A senior woman insists on living alone in her home, independently, despite her daughter’s concerns that the house is too big for her to manage. She struggles with keeping up with home-maintenance tasks and has limited digital literacy. This leads to multiple phone calls to her daughter, asking for assistance with home maintenance and online decisions. The daughter is happy to take on this responsibility and wants to be supportive of her mother’s wish to continue to live in her home even though the time she takes to assist her, in this manner, often comes at the cost of time spent with her own children and spouse, or on her own self-care.
The situation becomes highly stressful when the daughter makes decisions related to the tasks her mother has assigned her only to have her mother reject, override, or undo her efforts. It becomes apparent that the woman is unwilling to give her daughter the authority needed for her to successfully complete these tasks.
This is a stress red flag as it causes even good relationships to falter. Living in a chronic situation where you have responsibility but no authority is highly stressful and not compatible with mental wellness. It is a no-win situation and left unattended, it’s just a matter of time before it takes an irreversible toll on the quality of your important relationships.
If you are currently feeling like you have all the responsibility for an outcome, situation, or task but no (or insufficient) authority here are three pointers to help clarify what’s going on here:
- The stress of this situation may go beyond a personal dynamic and be related to a societal issue. So many of us are navigating an unjust society in which we do not meet the traditional mold of what an authority figure looks like. It's unfair, I know, but unfortunately true.
- To be clear, the other person involved may not be intentionally denying you authority but rather unknowingly has a bias and this blind spot is now playing out in the relationship.
- If you have a strong and positive relationship with the other person, simply stating the predicament you are finding yourself in may be enough to help them autocorrect their role in this situation. For example, saying, “I feel like when you say that it puts me in a bind where I have responsibility for this project but no authority. It’s unclear to me how I am supposed to succeed. What would you do if you were in my shoes?”
If you are repeatedly exposed to such a dynamic, looking for opportunities to extricate yourself is perfectly reasonable to preserve your mental well-being.
