Why Adolescents Tend to Argue More With Parents

“I wish our teenager wouldn’t argue with us so much!”

Parents can weary of their adolescent’s more frequent objections to what they want, don’t want, or believe, increasingly challenging what they have said. At issue is how developmental change creates growing contrast to the child who was.

• “I’m becoming different from how I used to be!”
• “I’m going to make more of my own decisions now!”

As the relationship with their teenager becomes more frequently contentious, and as the young person grows more insistent and resistant, parents can miss the old childhood ease of getting along: “Back then, we were in agreement and alike more of the time.”

What’s a parent to do?

Accept it: More argument usually comes with adolescence. When their daughter’s or son’s coming-of-age passage begins, the age of childhood command (“I have to do what I’m told by parents”) is over, and the age of adolescent consent (“I do what my parents want when I so choose”) has begun. Adolescence is empowering this way.

What is argument?

Argument is speaking up in disagreement with someone about opposing values, wants, or beliefs. It is a very functional interpersonal verbal skill—using words to manage contrasting or oppositional differences in relationships. One learns to practice this skill with parents and siblings at home so one can do it with peers and other people out in the world. Argument expresses opposition when one disagrees with what is being said or wanted or being done.

Adolescence increases argument.

Disagreements with their teenager are usually expected to increase because adolescence is driving growth on two fronts, argument empowering them each, abrasively wearing down the old childhood dependence on parents.

In service of growing up, to some degree, the young person will now express more individuality (“My way is not your way!”) and assert more independence (“It’s for me to decide!”)

So parents:

• Accept individuality by bridging growing differences with interest: asking for education. “Can you help us better understand what matters to you now that you are growing older?”

• Respect independence by requiring responsibility: insisting on the choice/consequence connection. “When you make your own decisions, you must deal with the outcomes that follow.”

Appreciate argument.

In significant relationships, people have ongoing diversity and disagreements that continually set them apart. Argument about these differences can be functional in many ways. For example,

• Argument is defining: It identifies the oppositional position one takes.
• Argument is intimate: With opposing views, they each become better known.
• Argument is informative: Data about each other’s point of view is shared.
• Argument is persuasive: Reason is used to influence a contrasting position.
• Argument is assertive: Parties speak up to put forward their point of view.
• Argument is collaborative: All involved agree to disagree over a difference.
• Argument is interactive: Opposing views get to be challenged by each other.
• Argument is productive: When resolved, a mutual decision can be made.

When parenting a teenager, it’s usually better to have some youthful opposition over disagreement than ignorance from not knowing what significant differences are. Often, two views prove wisest because together they are smarter than one. Both can benefit from the exchange over who knows best. In complementary ways, they both do.

Teenager: “This is what’s going on.” + Parent: “This is what might happen.” = Together: “We agree on what is best to do.”

Argument is risky.

Because argument is aggressive communication, contesting what the other person says, it needs to be conducted with care and restraint. Using forceful words to competitively or manipulatively win an argument can injure or alienate a valued relationship.

Because adolescence is a more argumentative time, and frustration from argument can be emotionally arousing, parents need to model and insist on safety in disagreement. This means the following:

• No use of wounding words to win,
• No bullying to get one’s way,
• No threats to extort consent, and
• No bad-faith bargaining.

Each of these reduces trust in this valuable communication.

Value argument.

Argument is not a socially bad thing; it is a socially necessary thing. People choose to engage in argument for many constructive motivations:

• To state opposition
• To defend an opinion
• To contest disagreement
• To get some permission
• To change someone’s mind
• To stop what they don’t want
• To justify a personal point of view
• To challenge someone else’s view
• To contest what they don’t agree with
• To enjoy the play of verbal competition
• To explain how to see something differently
• To provide reasons to justify beliefs
• To prove a personal point
• To reach a compromise
• To win a debate

Just because more argument can feel wearing doesn’t mean that argument should be given a bad name. If parents think having an argumentative adolescent is challenging, let them try having a teenager who never openly and expressively questions or contradicts. Speaking up in disagreement lets parents in, but shutting up in concealment keeps parents out. Adolescent argument is always informative.

Argument has outcomes.

Argument is consequential—sometimes to the good, sometimes to the bad.

Some positive outcomes of productive argument can be expression, understanding, and agreement. After a good argument, both parties can feel better known by the other, given a chance to have stated their opinion, and glad to have reached awareness they didn’t have in place before: “We were able to talk a hard difference out.”

Some negative outcomes of destructive argument can be offense, injury, and guilt. After a bad argument, parties can feel wounded by each other’s attack, regretful over what was said or how it was said, and sorry that angry emotion inflicted damage on each other: “In the emotional moment, we spoke words we wish we hadn’t said."

It's hard to welcome disagreement when your mind is already made up and winning matters more than understanding. So, when given disagreement, pay attention. The other person has something in opposition they want to say, and you have something to learn.

Working with argument

Argument doesn’t mean parent and teenager can no longer get along; it is an increasing part of how they get along as they verbally broker more human differences and disagreements between them. It is functional. So, rather than take offense at more adolescent argument, give it a listen.

Why? First, because youthful argument is an invitation to increase parental understanding of their changing teenager, and, second, because letting the adolescent have her or his say can make it easier for the young person to let parents have their way: “At least I got to give my side!”

Affirming argument

Arguing in disagreement doesn’t mean the parent and teenager are not getting along; it is how they more frequently get along when communicating about, confronting, and resolving evolving differences in their relationship.

So, instead of treating arguing as “talking back,” as disrespect, as an act of disobedience, or as a challenge to authority, welcome and work with adolescent argument as “speaking up” in honest disagreement.

By doing so, the young person gets to practice a communication skill of great value in the older years ahead: how argument can

• express opinion,
• identify disagreement,
• educate understanding,
• exchange opposing views,
• assert persuasive influence, and
• reach agreement both can support.

And, on each occasion, parents get to become more informed about their teenager's thinking and become better known.