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Key points
- Highs and lows are expected in all we do, especially when the pace of life feels overwhelming.
- Instrumental, informational, and emotional support are helpful in reducing your stress.
- Be willing to share with trusted family, friends and colleagues so you can manage stress effectively and thrive.
How many times have you gone the first 10 hours of your workday without eating? How many family dinners, children’s activities, or recitals have you missed because of your work? How many weeks or months has it been since you and your partner spent quality time together? How many nights have you slept only a few hours, if at all, because your work was so demanding, or you had so much to do that you couldn’t help but keep thinking about your “to-do” list?
There are inevitable highs and lows that cause stress in all we do, especially in highly demanding professions like medicine, law, and high finance, as examples. Often adding to these demands is our own expectation of doing everything ourselves because we feel that “taking care of it” will ensure things are done properly or because we’re hesitant to ask others for help. In both cases, what’s preventing us from asking for help, the one sure way to help reduce our stress? Are we afraid of feeling like we failed if things aren’t exactly right or if someone else does it on our behalf? Or, if we ask for help, are we afraid of being judged as weak or incapable in some way?
Whatever the source of this hesitation, one thing holds true—we must learn to reach out to others for support. These valuable support relationships may be with your cohort of colleagues. Your circle of family and friends. Your peers in your faith group. Your fellow members in a club. Close interpersonal relationships can help alleviate the pressures you face, give a sense of connection and belonging, and help you manage your overall stress.
Sometimes where there is hesitation, knowledge and reason can help overcome whatever mental block we may face. So, to offer some insight and objective information, regardless of where your main sources of support come from, you need to be sure that you are giving and receiving specific types of support. These three main types—instrumental, informational, and emotional—are essential for successfully weathering everyday highs and lows.
Instrumental support
Instrumental support is one of the most practical types of support you can give or receive. It involves delegating tasks to those who have relevant skills and are willing to help so that you can be freed up for more pressing responsibilities. Ordering groceries online and having them delivered, and hiring someone to clean your home on a regular basis, are both examples of instrumental support that address your more immediate and task-oriented needs.
Many independent, capable people automatically assume that they have to complete all tasks by themselves, but in stressful, demanding, and exhausting times, both personally or professionally, you will need help. Be willing to ask others or pay others to provide instrumental support when you need it.
Informational support
Informational support is about seeking guidance, advice, tools, and resources to help deal with challenges in the workplace or at home. In medicine, for example, senior medical students and residents, clinical and surgical supervisors, mentors and coaches, and family and friends can all offer valuable insights that may assist you in making thoughtful and well-informed decisions.
I have been fortunate to have wonderful mentors throughout my career. One especially played a pivotal role in my becoming the surgeon I am today. From my earliest days in residency, he was always approachable and available to talk about cases, answer questions, share his own experiences, and offer advice.
Good mentors share their knowledge, skills, and advice, typically in a long-term association based on mutual trust and respect. In addition to offering guidance with their experience and expertise, they are also helpful in tracking the development of professional competencies, identifying knowledge gaps, and helping the mentee create a personal learning plan. Their informational support is invaluable and can be transforming.
If you have the financial resources to do so, consider hiring a coach, which is a shorter-term association with a more structured approach. Typically, a coach provides tools and assessment methods to help you identify your own goals and develop action plans to achieve them. It may feel less emotionally vulnerable than sharing with a mentor.
Emotional support
Emotional support is about sharing your experiences and feeling heard, understood, accepted, and valued. It is important to find people with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings, knowing that they will be received with empathy, compassion, and no judgment.
While I received incredible support from my mentors, some of my most powerful emotional support has come from outside the medical profession. My parents have been a source of unconditional support throughout my life. They provided a solid foundation for all I have been able to achieve. My elder brother shared perspectives based on his own experiences, and he also offered helpful advice I could always rely on. I have a wonderful spouse who is willing to listen, and we can always count on each other for support.
No matter who you choose to seek emotional support from, trust is absolutely essential. Do you feel confident that those willing to offer support will listen to you openly and without judgment? Do they provide the safe space you need to express your thoughts, emotions, and needs openly and freely? True emotional support can only exist on the basis of trust, a feeling of safety that develops over time through consistency in attention, intentions, and actions.
Be willing to share
Highs and lows are expected in all we do, especially when the pace of life feels overwhelming and, at times, even difficult to keep up with. I can’t overstate the importance of having adequate supports to manage your practical and emotional stresses. Having all three types of support and a social network where you feel connected and supported by others are ways to empower yourself and manage inevitable stresses, personally and professionally.
Consider whether you are adequately supported in all these areas and how you might be able to offer support to others. Be willing to share with trusted family, friends, and colleagues so you can manage stress effectively and thrive.
Copyright Dr. Nina Ahuja, M.D.
