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When you’re stuck in a lifeless marriage or relationship, the idea of dating again can sound enticing, thrilling, like a rousing carousel of non-commitment. None of the old problems will exist in a new relationship, you think. All those interesting, attractive people who were single before you married are probably still waiting around, eager to go out with the newly-single you (not to mention all the eligible strangers online).
Some people love dating after divorce or a breakup. It can be a great way to meet new people, learn about new places, and see yourself positively in someone else’s eyes.
But many others can’t bear the thought of it. This doesn’t indicate a permanent loss of romantic desire—it's a natural and even healthy response. Some people need time to process their marriage, to figure out what just happened here? Others want to prove to themselves that they can make it on their own. Some individuals I met said they were too focused on their children in their post-divorce years to make space for a new adult relationship. They fell in love again, but much later, often after the kids went off to college.
For many of us, the issue is one of attachment: We’ve been dedicated to the wellbeing of our now-former partner for years, maybe even decades. That role still lingers as part of our identity.
Attachment is an emotional and physical reality, and can take a while to lift. It maps itself on the brain, reports biological anthropologist and legendary scholar of love Helen Fisher. She describes love not as a feeling, but rather as 3 basic brain systems:
- Lust. Part One of love, according to Fisher, is lust, or the craving for sex, which you can feel for many people, sometimes simultaneously (perhaps all at the same party). Lust evolved to help us cast a wide net in the pool of eligible singles.
- Attraction. Part Two is attraction, that obsessive thinking about one specific person, which evolved to help us narrow our focus to one potential mate in the crowd.
- Attachment. Part Three is attachment, the feeling of deep union with a long-term partner. As Fisher says in her absorbing series of webisodes, “Attachment evolved to enable you to stick with this person at least long enough to raise a child together as a team.” Even if you’re thrilled to be out of your marriage, that very real and vital attachment doesn’t disappear the minute your spouse moves out.
Experts—and many successfully remarried people—extol the benefits of a break between divorce and dating (and certainly between divorce and the next big relationship). I’ve certainly met people who successfully jumped right from marriage into their next relationship. But if you’re not ready to date, there can be benefits to taking a break:
- Taking a break lets you adjust to being alone. This may translate into more patience about when your next relationship happens, and how quickly it progresses. Dating coach Evan Marc Katz, a self-described “personal trainer of love,” worries that many people marry too fast, “under the influence of love,” then turn around three years later and discover that the relationship doesn’t really work. “There’s no harm in slowing down,” he says. “You hear 40-, 50-, 60-year-old women saying, ‘I don’t have time.’ Unless you have a biological clock ticking, you have all the time in the world."
- Taking time allows residual negativity to lift. Many of us leave a long-term relationship with a sack of negativity on our back, which can warp our view and compromise our judgment. We may over-focus on what we don’t want and overvalue its apparent opposite. If you take a break, the next person you fall for has a better chance of looking less like the opposite of your ex and more like someone who’s right for you now.
- With time, your divorce can settle into the background, and disagreements can be resolved. Fighting with an ex can sabotage new relationships. “So much of the energy is going toward the anger and frustration with the first spouse," says Washington D.C. psychologist Barry McCarthy. Taking time to work through lingering problems and establish a calm, cooperative, respectful interaction (particularly if you have children) is one of the best ways to protect your next romance—whenever you're ready for it.
Not everyone needs a buffer period. If you gleefully date everyone in your zip code, or fall madly in love immediately, I wish you luck (and envy you). If you don’t, recognize hesitance as a healthy reaction to the reality of long-term commitment, and one that likely will serve you well when you do fall in love again.
Did you date right after divorce? Did you enjoy it? Write me and let me know at wendy@wendyparis.com.
