Is Your Solitude Authentic?

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Most of us would agree that loneliness is largely a negative experience. But what about solitude? Sometimes we relish our time alone, feeling satisfied and restored by it–while other times, solitude turns lonely or feels empty and unfulfilling. What’s more, these negative states can occur even when we desire time alone and intentionally seek it out. What gives?

The answer may be found by answering this question: Is your solitude authentic? After combing the literature on the various ways solitude can be experienced, researchers James Averill and Louise Sundararajan concluded that authentic solitude is radically different from what they call “pseudo-solitude.”

What is authentic solitude?

Authentic solitude is relational. At first, this seems contrary to how we envision time alone. After all, solitude is… solitary. We separate from other people. We withdraw from social interaction. We are (hopefully) disconnected from even social media.

But it turns out solitude is deeply relational at its core. When we’re alone, we connect with ourselves. My research, along with others’, has shown that solitude encourages self-reflection and personal growth. Being alone provides the privacy needed to explore our emotions freely and the opportunity to engage in personal projects that are intrinsically satisfying or creative.

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This type of solitude is inner-directed, focused on self-care and self-discovery, and it’s made possible by the freedom that comes from releasing ourselves from societal and familial obligations.

The researchers noted that solitude can also be relational in an outer-directed way when we spend time alone reflecting on our relationships, feeling connected to the natural world, or engaging in a spiritual practice. In short, we feel authentically connected to something beyond ourselves.

These descriptions map onto what other researchers have termed positive solitude–time alone filled with meaning and purpose–and self-determined solitude, or time alone that is intrinsically motivated. Perhaps not surprisingly, both of these types of solitude are linked with high levels of well-being.

What is pseudo-solitude?

In contrast, “pseudo-solitude” is non-relational. You’re not connected to others, and you’re not connected to yourself. Instead, the dominant feeling is loneliness, and the primary activity is diversion, where you seek to escape from yourself and your solitude.

This may manifest as feeling bored and restless, wasting time on activities that are ultimately unsatisfying (a common one is aimlessly scrolling on social media), or ruminating over feeling left out.

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Rather than feeling connected (authentic solitude), you feel alienated from yourself and others. Such solitude is not constructive, and those feelings may signal that what we need at that moment is not time alone but rather the company of others.

This distinction between authentic solitude and pseudo-solitude encourages us to pay attention to the subjective quality of our alone time. When we don't feel connected to ourselves, we may need to exit solitude and reconnect with others… or gather our courage and learn how to embrace being alone.

In the words of Averill and Sundararajan: “We are never completely alone, at least not when solitude is authentic.”