Empathy as a Pathway to Emotional Warmth

Source: Myriams-Fotos / Pixabay

These are difficult times. We are polarized in so many ways, politically, socially, economically, and even emotionally. Over the years, I have hoped that my writing about social empathy might address some of the distance between people. I have tried to share tools for gaining insight to better be able to deal with those divisions. I hope my writing has done that.

A year ago I hit a wall. I took a break from writing and writing about empathy in general because I was not sure I had more to say, new ideas to share, or insights that might help. I decided rather than force the writing, I would wait to see if I might have more to share organically that would be helpful. I think I have an insight worth sharing, something I think is vital to our individual and collective well-being, emotional warmth.

For one, emotional warmth is used in parenting. It describes the quality of a loving relationship where parents’ behaviors show they are attuned to the needs and demands of their children.¹ And the outcome of such parental warmth is linked to greater emotional and social adjustment for children.² I am sure that this does not surprise you. However, I would like to add more to our understanding of emotional warmth. I would like to add that empathy is the key to developing emotional warmth.

Empathy helps us to build emotional warmth

With empathy, fully developed and fully engaged, a parent can be aware of and interpret what a child, even a nonverbal infant, needs or wants. It is not a perfect science, parents can’t be mind readers. But with empathy, the effort is there and the skills behind empathy are what make it possible.

Of particular importance are the skills of self-other awareness, emotion regulation, and perspective-taking. I have written in more detail about these skills before. In short, anyone responsible for the emotional development of children needs to have a strong awareness of the boundary between what they are feeling and what others are feeling; should not get lost in the emotions of others while they are trying to understand what that other person is feeling; and only then, with their boundaries and emotions in check, should they try to see things as if they were the other person.

With a child and an adult, this means that the adult can remain steady enough to see that they and the child are separate and fully worthwhile emotional beings each with separate emotional needs, no matter what the age. With this clarity, the adult works hard to imagine what it would be like to be in the position of the child. This is empathy and this can, and does, foster emotional warmth. This may be the strongest way to get to that place of emotional warmth. And not just between children and parents, but between all of us.

What does emotional warmth look like?

Emotional warmth includes the patience to listen to others, even if it might be uncomfortable. It shows attunement with others. It requires the delivery of difficult-to-hear information in a gentle and caring way. It is not a harsh conversation, it is not abrupt words, and it certainly is not communication through yelling or screaming. It is not communication that is sarcastic or bullying. And the best way to not use disparaging tactics to communicate is to tune in to others in a meaningful way through empathy.

If we want to bridge divides, we need to harness our empathy skills and develop emotional warmth towards others. This connection, built on understanding, leads to more understanding. It manifests itself in attunement that is gentle and kind and leaves others with a sense of feeling heard and worthwhile.