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We all know that the most cherished holiday memories and times family members look forward to year after year center around things we do together and especially with and for our children.
Researchers at Cornell University found that experiences make people happier than possessions, both when looking forward to an experience and in reflecting back on it later. However, it is way too easy to get pulled into advertising hype and pressure from our children to buy them the season’s “hot,” must-have tech device or toy.
Here are some effective suggestions to steer children away from “I have to have it” and toward meaningful, less stressful holiday celebrations for you and them:
1. Make wish lists together
When you ask your children to tell you what they’d like this year, strive to make the process interactive. Don’t simply have them write down all of their wildest dreams and extravagant wishes, which can lead to them expecting most, if not everything, on their list will be fulfilled.
Ask children to revisit their list after you’ve done an initial read and pare it back. This is a great opportunity to explain what you are and are not willing to buy. It’s a handy way to curb expectations and later disappointment.
2. Be honest about your limits
Many parents feel the need to be their children’s hero. But, explaining obstacles that get in the way, such as the toy being completely wiped off the shelves during Black Friday sales or changes to the family budget, can significantly help decrease your stress.
3. Redirect children’s mindset
Parents can also talk about what siblings might give each other and/or grandparents and anyone else with whom you exchange gifts. Discuss giving away clothing and toys your children no longer use or want to donate to children who have far less than they do. It refocuses the lens on charity and makes it less about, “What am I getting?”
4. Put gifts into perspective
When parents are in the thick of hunting for the perfect gift, it’s easy to forget what happened to toys and electronic gadgets or apps that their children had at the top of their wish lists in previous years.
Ask yourself: Is this “thing” my child wants a passing fancy, or something he will cherish for years to come? Will my daughter toss her gift to the side in six months, as she did with the doll I waited hours in line to buy last year?
You may even need to ask yourself questions about why you’re motivated to go above and beyond: Are you striving to compete with relatives or friends? Trying to impress? Make up for what you feel is limited time spent with your children? Or, trying to make up for feeling deprived growing up?
5. Avoid the frenzy
If the thought of waiting in line Thanksgiving evening for Black Friday doors to open fills you with anxiety or worse, think ahead to how you will be celebrating and what you want to emphasize. You may decide to skip the Black Friday crush.
“An analysis of newspaper accounts of crowds of people waiting in line, found that those waiting to purchase an experience [concert tickets; a movie; a new food at a food truck] were in better moods and were better behaved than those waiting to purchase material goods,” according to the Cornell study that was published in Psychological Science.
6. Slow down the gift-opening process
When it comes time to open gifts, restrict or reduce the number of gifts for each child. Make it more about the warmth of the experience than about the number of presents stacked under the tree.
A good way to make each gift important is to have each child open one at a time, with mom and dad taking their turns, too. This not only builds suspense, but also slows down the moment, optimizing the surprise and magic of the holidays.
7. Focus on experiences and traditions — not possessions
Refocus holiday magic to activities — not things — your family does together year after year or to one special event each year.
Plan a trip or special outing as a gift for the children (and you) this year.Psychology researcher Thomas Gilovich of Cornell University “discovered that people thinking about impending experiential purchases, such as ski passes or concert tickets, have higher levels of happiness than those who anticipate spending money on things.”
And in terms of memory making, the study also “found that people get more retrospective enjoyment and satisfaction from their experiential purchases than from their material purchases.”
During decades of my asking people, “What are your fondest memories of childhood?” I know their finding is one hundred percent the same as mine.
At home, warm bonding rituals such as making special strawberry waffles for breakfast, singing carols with relatives each year, driving around to see neighborhoods decked out with holiday lights, or designating a special night to watch the same classic holiday movie are certain ways to make this special season more about family and less about presents.
Years later, these traditions and experiences will be the ones children look back on, not the gizmos you stressed over finding, struggled to afford or fought the crowds to purchase.
How do you make holidays special for your family?
Related: The One Thing Parents Don’t Need to Stress About; If and When to “Spill the Beans” About Santa Claus; Which Holiday Parenting Mistakes Will You Make?; 8 Preemptive “Strikes” for Peaceful Family Holidays
Resources:
Kumar, A., Killingsworth, M., & Gilovich, T. (2014). Waiting for merlot: Anticipatory consumption of experiential and material purchases. Psychological Science doi:10.1177/0956797614546556.
Newman, Susan. Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day. New York: Iron Gate Press, 2014
Van Boven, L., & Gilovich, T. (2003). To do or to have: That is the question. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85, 1193-1202.
Copyright @ 2014, 2018 Susan Newman
