What Happens in Narcissistic Encounters

• It is not always clear that an individual is high in narcissistic traits, but one's subjective response to the encounter is an important first indicator.
• Be cognizant of feeling that one has "disappeared" in a conversation, that one's opinions are invalidated, or that the other person is being manipulative.
• Becoming attuned to these and other reactions could help people protect themselves from being manipulated or exploited.

On the first day of my clinical internship, decades ago, a mentally ill woman on the psychiatric ward ran up to me, excitedly informing me that she was the current wife of President John F. Kennedy. This was 11 years after Kennedy had been assassinated. I would learn that most people with mental disorders do not announce their psychopathology so directly and dramatically. In the case of narcissism, there are those who present a caricature of narcissistic personality disorder — grandiose, bragging, endlessly showing off, arrogant, entitled, oblivious to the existence of others. But more often, narcissists, especially those with significant narcissistic traits rather than the full-blown disorder, do not reveal themselves so readily.

Evidence for some of these traits, such as a preoccupation with envy, a sense of entitlement, or a penchant for manipulation or exploitation, may come into focus only with time and exposure. Furthermore, there are also thought to be narcissistic subtypes (“covert” or “vulnerable”) who manifest grandiosity not by outright bragging but by an exaggerated capacity to experience grievance or slight. Little wonder that when people in relationships with narcissists seek help, they often provide an account of an initially charming, attractive person who seemed unusually attentive and interested. The red flags may have gone unnoticed for months or even years.

In my clinical work, I often find that my first inkling that I am dealing with a narcissistic patient arises in my own fairly subtle feelings and reactions, experienced well before I am able to grasp the more objective diagnostic indicators. These reactions have become familiar to me, signaling the need to prepare for the narcissistic encounter. The following is my attempt to unpack the subjective experiences that accompany contact with the narcissistic individual. My hope is that this may not only validate feelings you may already be having, but perhaps provide warning signs should you be entering such a relationship.

"Disappearing"

Perhaps the signature experience that may signal an encounter with a narcissist is a sense of yourself disappearing or ceasing to exist. Psychoanalysts used to refer to the feeling of sitting with a narcissistic patient as entering a “satellite existence.” Your sense of self becomes small or diminished as your attention is swallowed up by an individual preoccupied with their own importance. At times, it can bring on a feeling of paralysis and oppressive boredom.

You may occasionally think of something to say or contribute, but you would have to interrupt a formidable stream of discourse, and there is an opposing mental voice saying, “Why bother?” It is not just that you don’t matter, but that there is no “you” to matter. A common fantasy is that your role could be replaced with a recording repeating “I see” or “wow” at regular intervals. These fantasies are hallmarks of narcissistic encounters.

Feeling Invalidated

Closely linked to the feeling of disappearing is the sense that reality as you experience it cannot be acknowledged. In our ordinary dealings with people, we often see things differently, but there is space to discuss and engage. The narcissistic worldview, on the other hand, is profoundly distorted and delimited. Attention is tuned up to evidence (real or imagined) that they are special or admired. Contrary perceptions—for example, of a waiter muttering angrily to himself at the narcissist's rudeness—are simply ignored. Signs of disrespect, or lack of adequate attention or acknowledgment, become major concerns, however.

It is interesting to listen carefully to the narcissist's narrative, noticing distortions in who did what to whom, what actually happened versus what is believed, what is omitted, and how subtle changes in projected intentions are used to protect the narcissist’s intolerance to criticism or dissent. The message is clear that no disagreement will be tolerated. The overall effect is to render you voiceless, not only censoring disagreement but possibly doubting your own connection to reality. This process is particularly troublesome for children of narcissistic parents, who may grow up learning that their perceptions are “wrong” and cannot be spoken. When you do voice your version of events, you will be met with condescension and anger.

Feeling Manipulated

For the narcissist, the primary goal of any relationship is to recruit ego enhancement. As a result, their energies are often directed at relegating you to a pre-defined role, such as admirer, subordinate, confidante, ornament, or passive companion. When you attempt to break out of this role, to be yourself, you will be met with angry accusations of disloyalty. Though the narcissist often has little genuine personal experience with guilt, he is often adept at using it as a weapon. Inspiring guilt in you becomes a powerful tool to keep you in your specified lane.

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As you participate in this role, often out of a sense of obligation, you feel manipulated and taken advantage of. This leads to internalized anger as well as a sense of helplessness. You begin to dread the next demanded encounter, but feel powerless to object. You might make up insincere excuses to avoid contact, but the power (and energy) resides with the narcissist.

Feeling Offended

Narcissists are attracted to self-flattering stories about ways in which they got their way by mistreating or dominating others. Their naked pursuit of attention, power, and approval may shock you. Narcissists tend to rationalize their treatment of others not only as permissible but even a worthy response to some imaginary offense. You might find their condescending treatment of people of “inferior” status, such as wait people, salespersons, and others as ugly and cringeworthy. All of this behavior, highlighting a profound lack of empathy for others, may offend you at a moral level.

In order to maintain the relationship with the narcissist, these feelings of disapproval must be repressed or pushed out of consciousness, but they color your judgment nonetheless. There may even be a sense of moral contamination, as if you are complicit in the narcissist’s treatment of others. To the extent that the narcissist senses your disapproval, you may be blamed for being judgmental or criticized for your own moral failings.

What Your Unconscious Is Trying to Tell You

The preceding provides an outline for paying attention to our predictable subjective responses to encounters with people on the narcissistic spectrum. If we listen carefully to our reactions, beginning to take them more seriously, we tune into a valuable source of information about the world. We may also learn to protect ourselves from exploitation or manipulation.