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Relationships
The Sacred Bubble and Relationship Conflict
Imagine you and your partner are a team inside of a Sacred Bubble.
Posted July 8, 2024 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer
Key points
- Conflict is an essential and inevitable part of every intimate relationship.
- Couples who master creating a Sacred Bubble in their relationship thrive.
- Inside the Sacred Bubble we have formed a strategic alliance based on equality.
- Viewing problems as outside of the Sacred Bubble puts the focus on problem solving instead of blame and hurt.
Do arguments with your partner leave you feeling sad, hurt, or unloved? If so, there is a simple solution to this common problem; it’s called The Scared Bubble. But before we get there, let’s start by building some infrastructure.
Conflict Is Essential and Inevitable
Conflict is an essential and inevitable part of every intimate relationship. Those who avoid conflict end up repressing their feelings to their own peril because their efforts to avoid a conflict mean they don’t get to resolve a conflict. This flawed effort to "save the relationship" leads to its destruction.
That said, many couples argue under the Law of the Jungle, meaning the conflict is a no holds barred fight to the finish. This model means that when one “wins,” the other walks away with nothing and feels sad and angry. Handling conflicts this way actually results in a lose-lose scenario because intimate relationships are based on the idea that we’re a team and the Law of the Jungle requires us to defeat the other person on our team.
The Sacred Bubble
To create a win-win scenario, imagine you and your partner are inside of a Sacred Bubble, where there is love, safety, and connection—we are a team. Outside of that bubble are all of life’s problems, such as work, kids, finances, politics, religion, sex, and even the most personal things, which need to be resolved in a way that does not disrupt the sacred relationship. All of our problems are outside the bubble.
Problems Are Outside of the Bubble
Viewing the problems as outside of the Sacred Bubble puts the focus on problem solving instead of blame and hurt feelings. For example, it’s not “She doesn’t like living in this neighborhood so she probably thinks I’m a lousy provider,” or “He doesn’t like what’s happening with the kids and he thinks I’m a terrible mother.”
Our real problem is that one of the two of us is unhappy, so we need to examine that problem as if it is not us but rather outside of us. This allows us to detach from a lot of our feelings about it because the whole relationship is based on the idea that we’re on the same team, and in that moment, our real problem is that the team isn’t happy.
A Strategic Alliance Based on Equality
Inside the Sacred Bubble we have formed a strategic alliance based on equality so that we can face life’s problems with our combined abilities and resources. We didn’t get together because we needed money. Or laundry support. Or culinary skills. Two successful adults decided to form this alliance and merge their lives to make life better. How? By producing more happiness. If there’s a disruption in the production lines and we have less happiness, we can fix that.
Fair Fighting
To produce happiness and resolve problems in a loving way, first both people must agree to Fair Fighting ground rules:
- No abuse (which includes name calling, put downs, and yelling)
- One subject at a time
- By mutual consent
Once these rules are agreed upon, ask questions like, “What would it take for you to be happy?” Or “What would you like to see happen?”
Sometimes what the person needs is quite simple, such as, “I need you to listen to me.” Other times, what the person needs may be a little more complicated and can require further discussions to get to a resolution.
Remember, human problems have human solutions, and we think clearly and creatively when we really listen, when we don’t feel defensive, and when we know our partner is crazy about us, even though we are in conflict about a serious matter.
Stop Surviving and Start Thriving
Couples who master creating a Sacred Bubble thrive. Those couples who continue to engage in conflict according to the Law of the Jungle are doomed because rather than seeing each other as equals, they keep seeing each other as an enemy, the competition, the obstacle.
We Are a Team
The Sacred Bubble affirms to the couple that they are a team who can solve all of life’s problems that lie outside of that sacred entity known as "us." It allows each of us to remain close and to become closer as we live our lives together. This closeness, and the happiness that results, is why we got together in the first place. Those who can’t honor the sacredness of the union will never be able to create the closeness or the happiness that we’re all looking for.
