Why Safe Relationships Are the Sexiest Relationships

The truth is many of us desire more eroticism in our relationships. It’s natural to desire more of whatever we're enjoying: more positions, more sensations, more sexual play, and so on.

This desire for "more" is entirely normal; however, many people struggle with being vulnerable and letting their partner get close enough to know they have a thing about parachutes, aromatic oils, or certain members of the squash family.

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Many sex columns and books focus on a cookbook approach to eroticism: "Start by getting some candles lit in your bathroom, spread the rose petals on the bed, and then voilà, best night ever!"

Having a sex life that can explore boundaries is not about techniques, candles, or lubricants. These are the form rather than the substance of a couple's ability to step out into those frighteningly unknown waters together. The substance is actually building a relationship that's safe.

Before you hurriedly check off the "safe" box and move on to bathroom candles, please slow down enough to ponder whether or not you both feel safe as opposed to knowing that you are safe.

Do you both feel respected enough in your heart that you feel safe enough to talk about what you'd like to try or even what you're thinking you might like to try? Most people don't, and this is why we often withhold our truths from one another.

Building this kind of safety doesn't happen by the third date, whether you're talking about "safe words" or not. This sense of security is a process that takes years, not months or weeks—years. It’s one of the most transcendent payoffs for all the effort we take in building a relationship based on equality, a relationship where everyone feels (here's that word again) respected. This is why I define sexual intimacy as not solely about sexual intercourse, but rather about safely sharing who we are sexually with one another.

None of us arrives at adulthood knowing how to do this. We have to learn it by trying and, yes, failing at least a few times before we get the hang of it.

We all need time to be OK with who we are, what we think, and what we feel despite the resistance of others. We all need time to open our minds and learn how to listen to our partner’s feelings, thoughts, and fantasies. Usually, this process involves letting go of our defenses and becoming willing to be vulnerable.

Not everyone is ready for sexual intimacy at this level of connection, and some, sadly, never will be. If you are trying to increase the eroticism in your relationship, remember to be patient and start by making sure all parties involved feel safe to be their sexual selves.