Six Tips to Switch Intimacy Killers into Intimacy Builders

There is probably no way to have a perfect relationship. Nevertheless, most couples can work effectively to improve their relationship to mutual benefit. Often, all this takes is one to start. There is a caution. If one person takes the initiative, it is normally wise for that person to withhold expectations that the other has to do the same. Nevertheless, by taking this initiative, your mate may join you in this neat adventure. If not, you may still have prompted an optimistic process that is under your control. When this process becomes natural, the odds are you will have achieved something truly unique.

Here are six sample tips for improving the quality—perhaps durability—of your intimate relationship:

1. Intimates have an inside track on the other’s hot buttons and how to push them. Hot button attacks normally evoke a counter attack and escalate a needless conflict that is often followed by payback and lingering resentments. As an alternative, think beyond the moment. Ask yourself, "What do I want to accomplish with a hot button attack?" If you decide you don't want a mutually negative result, by removing a negative you've created an opportunity to promote intimacy.

2. In the heat of conflict, avoid threats. Back off to cool off when you are tempted to threaten to do something dire, such as “If you don’t do what I want, I’ll dump you." As an alternative, agree with your mate to take time out for, say, an hour and see if you both can get on a corrective track.

3. If you catch yourself using accusatory "You" messages, switch gears. Send "I" messages. For example, "I feel sad" will normally lead to a better outcome than a guilt-evoking "You make me feel depressed." By avoiding this type of scenario, you've avoided another negative.

4. Negative venting is unattractive and can evoke angry thoughts and feelings in others. This is where you whine about inconveniences. As an alternative, if you choose to share an unpleasant experience, also share some thoughts on how you plan to solve the problem. Solicit suggestions if you wish. This shows you are willing to act constructively and that is normally an appealing quality.

5. If you and your mate have “complaintfests” about each other with each other, change the narrative. For example, turn complaints into solvable problem. Here is an example. "I believe that if we spent five minutes a day talking out our problems, we’d soon run out of things to complain about." If you get agreement, execute the plan.

6. Let's suppose you find something negative to say about your mate every day. If your mate cools to you, that negativity may be a reason. Alternatively, daily say something kind to your mate that you base on something real. For example, “You go out of your way to help people and I appreciate and admire that quality in you.” People who feel appreciated are more likely to reciprocate.

There is no perfect set of tips to create an idyllic relationship. However, by taking a few easy steps, such as experimenting with the above six tips, you put the development of your relationship in your own capable hands.

(C) Dr. Bill Knaus. 2017. All Rights Reserved