When He Abandons You, Don't Abandon Yourself

This morning, I was interviewed for a summit called Healing Abandonment & Betrayal Trauma hosted by AVAIYA University. My topic was “Using Abandonment as a Springboard for Change." I was interviewed by a lovely woman named Brielle and one of her questions was, “Isn’t your message to the women in your community that when he abandons you, don’t abandon yourself?”

That really struck me. Of course—that’s it in a nutshell. For some women, after their husband leaves, they feel so bad and worthless, really, that they sort of give up on themselves. Even long after the "bomb drop" day, they are filled with yearning for the life they used to have and feel hopeless about the future, unable to craft a vision of a life after that might bring them joy.

Why do some women abandon themselves? There are two reasons

First, on leaving, runaway husbands often denigrate their wife, enumerating all the things he finds wrong with her. One husband even presented his distraught wife with a typed list of all her faults. She was desperate to understand why he was leaving so she read every word on that list and took on all of his complaints. It’s hard not to. Even though he seemed perfectly happy to live with her all the preceding decades, on leaving he suddenly needed to tear her down. And his words found their mark—she blamed herself.

Second, for some women, particularly if they got a good part of their identity from their role as a wife, his leaving means they don’t know who they are anymore. The future is irrevocably changed and they feel lost. Before he left, they had clear-cut plans and goals but after, when all of those are made irrelevant, they feel lost.

Source: Studio Romantic/Shutterstock

So what would be the inverse of abandoning yourself? Nurturing yourself. At the Caribbean Retreat this spring, one of the amazing women told about how she’d had a vision of welcoming herself as a child and sitting her little self on her lap. She held her tenderly and comforted her, telling her that she would always be there for her and take care of her. And now, when she’s feeling lost or alone, she remembers that promise, to always love and nurture her little self.

You need to become a fighter for your own happiness and get defiantly determined to grab hold of your life, and, no matter what stage you’re at, put one foot in front of the other and craft the next chapter. Your ex doesn’t get to define you. You do. And you don’t need to be perfect to love yourself. Can you love yourself with all your flaws and imperfections, the same as you can love your little self?

If you’ve lost your sense of purpose and identity, spend some time pondering who you are and what you stand for. What can you do in line with your values and principles moving forward? It doesn’t have to be big. You can decide to be extraordinarily kind, for example. You can create a beautiful garden at the front of your house and give pleasure to everyone walking by. You can rescue cats (and become a "cat lady"). Just learn to love yourself.

As the poet Mary Oliver wrote: Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?