Ghosting and Cloaking: When Is It OK?

Nearly a decade ago, in the midst of my Ph.D. work, I conducted a cursory study involving about 100 undergraduates on ghosting behavior. The research showed that those who had ghosted others often felt almost as much negative emotion as those on the receiving end. In the qualitative portion of the study, the participants who ghosted expressed feelings of shame and guilt. The ghosting was a function of not knowing how else to end the relationship, an attempt to not further hurt, or worry about their desire to end the relationship not being heard.

Reasons for Ghosting

Recent research has echoed these findings. One study (2023) found that the most frequently cited reasons for ghosting included incompatibility, clinginess, inappropriate behavior, or unreciprocated feelings. The ghosters in the study often described those they ghosted as needy, pushy, annoying, insecure, or jealous, among other undesirable traits.

In a 2021 study, 45 percent reported ghosting to remove themselves from a “toxic,” “unpleasant,” or “unhealthy” situation.

Now, it seems a more extreme form of ghosting has emerged: Cloaking. Cloaking refers to someone blocking all forms of contact with another person, including social media, generally in a romantic context. As this behavior has become widespread, so have news articles that lambast the ghost or cloak for their cruel behavior. The articles are written with definitive language about a cloak’s cruelty, cowardice, or Dark Triad personality. What is clear in these articles is a lack of understanding or even empathy for why someone might choose to act this way.

A Protective Mechanism

Why does exploring the reason behind the behavior matter? Because it's essential to recognize that for some individuals, ghosting or cloaking might serve as a protective mechanism against potential abuse. While this does not apply to the majority of people who engage in such behavior, there should be some recognition in media discussions that not all ghosters or cloakers are modern monsters. On the contrary, some might be individuals who have recognized early signs of intimate partner violence (IPV) and are taking steps to protect themselves from unwanted or potentially harmful behavior.

In fact, research suggests that ghosters often cite inappropriate behavior, jealousy, and insecurity as reasons for their actions. The reason this bears highlight is because, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, these traits are potential early indicators of abusive behavior. It follows that for some, blocking all forms of contact may be the only way to ensure safety and peace of mind.

In the United States, nearly 20 people per minute experience physical abuse by an intimate partner, and IPV accounts for 15 percent of all violent crimes. What’s further notable here is that the age most likely to experience IVP overlaps that of the largest dating population who are most likely to experience ghosting or cloaking: young adults, where women ages 18 to 24 and 25 to 34 generally experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence.

Social Media Jealousy

The connection between young adults, social media, and IPV has been further substantiated by a recent longitudinal study that examined the associations between social media jealousy and IPV in young adults' romantic relationships. The study, which involved 111 couples over the course of a year, found that jealousy induced by a partner’s activity on social media could escalate into controlling and aggressive behaviors.

Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult, often due to the emotional manipulation that abusers exert over their victims. A study by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) found that, on average, it takes a person seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship before they are successful. The emotional abuse, which often includes tactics like guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and threats, creates a psychological bind that makes it hard for victims to break free. Statistics show that about 60 percent of victims who try to leave abusive partners report being stalked or harassed after the relationship ends, which only adds to the difficulty of leaving. Given these realities, it is crucial to understand that, for some individuals, ghosting or cloaking might be not only a rational decision but also a necessary one for their safety. Instead of laying blame and shame on all people who choose to ghost or cloak, we should recognize and applaud individuals who take necessary albeit difficult steps needed to protect themselves.

While using ghosting or cloaking as a potential protective measure certainly doesn't apply to all situations—for instance, when someone fails to show up for a first date where there is no established connection without explanation, this is undeniably hurtful and cruel—in the context where there has been a meaningful exchange, where individuals have gotten to know each other, and there may have been red flags or warning signs of abusive behavior or actual abusive behavior present, it is important to recognize that ghosting or cloaking can be a necessary step for self-preservation rather than an act of cruelty.