Micro-cheating: ‘Innocent’ Actions Threatening Relationships

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You’re scrolling through Instagram and see a picture of someone outside your relationship who you think looks hot. They are half-dressed, posing seductively, and single, which you, being in a committed relationship or married, are not. You give it a tap and move on.

On second thought, you follow up your tap with a comment. “Looking good,” you write, adding a fire emoji. You keep scrolling and do the same on five other accounts.

Three of the accounts belong to people you don’t know, and two to people you’ve met in real life. You rationalize you’re just being nice, which is why you don’t have a problem engaging in this behavior. Some of the people attached to those accounts recognize your kindness, too, and give your comment a heart. Maybe they even follow you back.

Still, you say to yourself, it’s nothing. You’re not talking to them. You’re not meeting up with them. It’s the same as saying out loud how you like a shirt you see in a store window.

One day, you notice you have a direct message. “Hey,” it says, “thanks for liking my posts. How’s your night going?”

“Fine,” you respond. “I just got back from the gym.”

You rationalize again: No harm, no foul. The person who has just slid into your DMs knows you’re involved because you have pictures of yourself with your partner on your account. You’re not hiding anything.

The thing is, if your partner finds out, they might not feel the same. Though not cheating in the physical or emotional sense, this and similar behavior could fall under what’s commonly referred to as micro-cheating. They’re minor indiscretions, depending on whom you ask. However, according to Stacy Thiry, a Florida-based licensed mental health counselor with Grow Therapy, the effect is often far from small.

Understanding Micro-cheating and How It Can Undermine Trust

Micro-cheating occurs when an individual in a committed relationship engages in nonsexual but flirtatious behavior with someone besides their partner. This conduct usually falls in a gray area, meaning the actions alone may not immediately raise suspicion. “While the behaviors may not qualify as outright infidelity,” Thiry says, “they still erode the trust and security felt in a partnership.”

When questioned, the offending individual may rationalize their behavior, gaslighting their partner, particularly at first. Gaslighting involves undermining the other person by making them doubt their perceptions or sanity. The micro-cheater shifts blame onto their partner, minimizing the significance of their actions because, at first glance, they can appear trivial.

Examples of Micro-cheating in Relationships

Every couple can set their own rules for their relationship. However, Thiry explains that certain behaviors, which can occur in various settings, including at work, get-togethers, or during chance encounters, are commonly considered micro-cheating.

A frequent offending behavior is flirting over social media, typically accomplished by initiating or responding positively to any level of suggestive attention received, then escalating it rather than ignoring the advances or clearly expressing disinterest. “This [expression of interest] could include,” Thiry says, “liking and commenting on posts, DMing, or actively seeking out and connecting with individuals of interest on social media.”

Other questionable behaviors include seeking emotional support or guidance from or discussing relationship issues with someone outside the relationship to whom the individual is attracted. Another is maintaining communication with an ex-partner where there’s a clear understanding within the current relationship that such contact is unacceptable.

Red Flags Indicating Micro-cheating

Micro-cheating can be elusive. Often, it lurks beneath the surface until specific behaviors trigger suspicion, which the aggrieved partner eventually calls out.

Thiry cites the following behaviors as potential red flags. If an individual becomes unusually protective of their phone or computer, it may point to secret communication. Similarly, if they frequently mention a certain individual in a manner that makes their partner uneasy, such as complimenting that person’s appearance regularly or drawing comparisons between that person and their partner, it could be cause for concern. The same can be said of a partner suddenly changing their routine and appearance.

Additionally, Thiry points out that if one partner becomes emotionally distant or preoccupied, it may indicate emotional investment with someone other than their partner. She says, “More criticizing, less deep or frequent conversations, less physical touch or sex, and less playfulness or flirtatious behavior are all signals that one partner may be getting their needs met elsewhere.”

Finally, when confronted about these behaviors, if they respond defensively, become angry, gaslight their partner, or evade discussion altogether, it could indicate guilt or be an attempt to deflect.

Addressing Micro-cheating in Relationships

If you recognize from the above discussion that you have been engaging in behavior your partner could construe as micro-cheating, whether or not it was intentional on your part, consider how it might make them feel. Next, decide if you want to change your behavior.

Should your partner have already broached the subject with you but you brushed them off prior to this moment, address the issue before it escalates and causes irreparable harm to your relationship, if it hasn’t already. Let your partner express how your behavior is affecting them and their ability to trust you.

Your partner should give you an opportunity to acknowledge your actions and demonstrate your desire to repair any damage you caused. If you are genuinely willing, Thiry suggests working together to set clear boundaries as to which behaviors will be acceptable and which won’t be. This way, you will have a unified understanding of monogamy and cheating to prevent future misunderstandings or transgressions.

Professional guidance can further promote healing following micro-cheating. Marriage counseling or therapy sessions, whether as a couple, individually, or both, provide supportive environments for you and your partner to communicate freely, explore your feelings, and strategize how to move forward together.

If you and your partner can’t find common ground or are unwilling to work to restore trust, Thiry suggests reassessing the relationship’s viability: “You can only manage what is in your control.”