Coping With Infidelity: Next Steps

Though it may not feel like it, the sun will rise the day after learning your spouse has been unfaithful. And the day after that. Therefore, it can help to begin preparing for life post-infidelity by taking the following steps.

Start processing the infidelity.

If you have been blindsided by infidelity, you are likely experiencing a range of emotions: sadness, shock, confusion, fear, shame, self-doubt, and disgust, among others. To complicate matters, your feelings can overlap and change from moment to moment.

Acknowledging your emotions — why you are experiencing them and when — is integral to healing.

Virginia Gilbert, LMFT, a psychotherapist specializing in betrayal trauma, says, “Denying your feelings is an extreme response to trauma. Naming and feeling your different emotions will help ground you in reality and allow you to move through the experience of discovering infidelity.”

Gilbert recommends facing infidelity rather than minimizing what happened and trying to move on.

“The best way to heal from betrayal trauma is to practice radical acceptance, get clear about boundaries, and develop a betrayal recovery plan with qualified professionals."

Set boundaries for your spouse — and yourself.

If you and your spouse share a home, set boundaries for your living arrangements. Will you sleep in separate bedrooms? On separate floors? Take time apart?

You won’t be able to control everything you wish about your situation, including whether your spouse stops seeing their affair partner. Your priority should instead be to make yourself as comfortable as possible. This entails setting boundaries restricting self-destructive behavior.

Gilbert says, “A common trauma response is to replay the traumatic event: searching for more clues, laying out a suspected timeline of the infidelity, trying to figure out why your spouse did what they did, or how you can prevent getting hurt again.”

Such behavior can be especially damaging during the early days following betrayal trauma.

“None of this detective work will keep you from getting hurt another time,” Gilbert says, “nor will it allow you to heal. It will just keep you stuck in a never-ending rerun of the event that traumatized you.”

A better approach, Gilbert suggests, is to shift focus onto what is in your control, namely, your own behavior and self-care.

Find a mental health professional.

Family and friends can be supportive, but a mental health professional, one versed in affair counseling, will have the training and skills to guide you.

“Friends, family, and peer support groups,” Gilbert says, “can be helpful to the extent these individuals don't unwittingly fuel your negative emotions by piling on their own anger and fear about your situation.”

Gilbert suggests seeking support from a mental health professional specializing in betrayal trauma to provide a safe container for processing your feelings and deciding what to do next.

It is, however, important to differentiate between mental health professionals who can prescribe medication and those who cannot. It is not uncommon to have a psychiatrist and therapist.

“If you're working with a psychiatrist,” Gilbert says, “that professional can better determine your appropriate medication if they are able to consult with the other mental health expert on the case.”

Seek emotional support.

Don’t keep infidelity a secret. Secrets can be a lot to bear alone, and having the emotional support of loved ones and friends can make your experience more tolerable.

Do choose your confidants wisely. From past experiences, identify who will be good in a crisis and who might unknowingly cause stress. Opt for individuals who value discretion.

Consider, too, a support group focusing on betrayal trauma. There can be power in numbers and the kindness of strangers.

Gilbert cautions, however, of too much of a good thing.

“Limiting your support-seeking will help contain your emotions so you don't live your betrayal 24/7.”

Have a candid conversation with your spouse.

When you feel strong and trust yourself not to react to triggers from your spouse, arrange to have a candid conversation with them about the cheating and their intentions for the future of your relationship.

Create an agenda beforehand that includes what you want to say to your spouse and questions for them. But not too many, Gilbert says.

“You will never really know why your spouse did what they did.”

Consult a family law attorney.

A family law attorney can help you navigate a potential divorce where there has been infidelity to minimize further emotional damage.

Elise Buie, a family law attorney and guardian ad litem (GAL) based in Seattle, Washington, says, “An attorney with emotional intelligence who understands there is transformation and life on the other side can guide you with strategic planning and supportive resources through this tumultuous time.”

Buie cautions against hiring an attorney who jumps on the vengeance bandwagon, which can negatively affect psychological health, particularly children’s.

“An emotionally intelligent attorney is the deciding factor,” Buie says, “between fueling hate and conflict, which can ruin your children's emotional well-being, and teaching them forgiveness and resilience.”

Attend couples counseling.

If you are each open to it, Gilbert says, “Working with a qualified couples counselor can help you and your spouse navigate conflict more skillfully while facing the realities infidelity poses in your marriage.”

A couples counselor can also work with spouses individually.

Should you decide to part ways, a couples counselor can advise you and your spouse on how to exit the marriage while minimizing contention. A step that will invariably free up time and space to focus on the good that can come after infidelity — healing, hope, and happiness.

Evaluate your relationship.

The best decisions are ones that are not made rashly. As you gather your emotional and physical strength and facts to help in your decision-making, you will be better positioned to evaluate your relationship with clarity, which you should do periodically.

But, Gilbert warns, “Betrayed partners often turn into the sheriff, trying to police their spouse or inspire an epiphany that changes their behavior.”

Although these are understandable responses to trauma, Gilbert says, “they are ineffective and can only make matters worse.”

To find a mental health professional near you, consult the Psychology Today Directory