Winning the Long Game in Parenting

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By Elizabeth Sylvester, Ph.D.

We want to be in our children’s lives for the long haul. As parents, we want to be connected to our children for our entire lives—we want to be there for their victories and inevitable miseries, and we want to know our grandchildren and evolve a relationship with them that will comfort us in our old age.

In order to achieve these goals, our children need to truly want to be a part of our lives. Their relationship with us must feel pleasurable and valuable, and be one in which they feel safe, seen, and cherished. When our child is 4 and we are enforcing boundaries, we are probably not thinking about what our relationship will be when they are 26. But childhood is when it happens. This is when we lay the groundwork for the rest of our lives together.

So, how can parents create a strong foundation for this long-term relationship? Well, like all relationships, showing respect for the other, listening when they speak, taking their opinions and feelings into account, being reliable, seeing the best in them, and having fun together (see the post "The 7 Essential Attachment Needs"). For many parents, it is second nature to be warm, supportive, and playful with children, and in these ways they are champs at creating a durable relationship. But there is an important parenting job that can be less intuitive, and that is discipline and limit-setting.

Setting boundaries is a high-risk moment that can potentially damage the valuable connection we are creating with our children. Yet, limit-setting cannot be skipped over. We need to somehow set clear and firm limits with our children, and hold those limits, without damaging the child or our relationship with the child. Easier said than done. However, is it important because it is during times of conflict that our relationship will either be imperiled or strengthened.

In moments of discipline, it is useful to think about balancing the short game with the long game. The short game is dealing with behavior in the moment, influencing the child to stop hitting or to do her homework. The long game is the maintenance of a healthy, positive parent-child relationship, gradually building self-control, self-worth, and positive behavior.

Keeping the long game in mind, we can adjust our approach to behavior issues by providing discipline without severing the relationship. In doing so, we acknowledge that teaching a child to stop hitting might take many repetitions of a lesson that will only gradually take hold. As we consistently enforce the rule, and the child steadily builds maturity, self-control, and motivation to cooperate, we move toward our goal. And yes, this means we will sometimes lose the short game. But we are sometimes losing it anyway.

This plays out via parents setting a limit every single time a rule is broken, but never doing so in a damaging way: no scolding, no yelling, no insulting, no hitting, and no adult dysregulation. Punitive parental behaviors come at a high cost to the relationship, and they don’t work for durably changing behavior. Harsh interventions may influence a child to comply in the moment, but they do so by inspiring fear, which leads to compliance if the child thinks they’ll be caught. Momentary compliance is far different from learning and from building a child’s internal motivation to behave.

Discipline, in its ideal form, is teaching and motivating a child to make their life decisions based on their virtues, not on their impulses. All children are capable, and sometimes choose, to follow rules and show restraint, kindness, and respect. However, in order for this to carry over into adulthood and become their predominant way of conducting themselves, they need to feel such self-discipline is a part of who they are. Once a child takes ownership of that lesson, they will act from it naturally and feel driven to be their best self. Fostering this positive identity is best accomplished not through domination, but through consistently seeing the best in the child, pointing out their successes to them, and calmly, firmly, repeatedly saying no to any rule-breaking.

While this might sound permissive to some, the key to its success is that limit-setting and consequences are never omitted. They are consistently and reliably applied, with no drama. In this model, the limit-setting is matter-of-fact and consequences are not harsh. And limits are not driven by parents’ intense emotions or set with the toxin of adult negativity.

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Punitive responses to children’s behavioral missteps are part of many parenting approaches, and parents often incorrectly believe that the more substantial and aversive the consequence, the more effective it will be. The problem with this strategy is that excessive focus on consequences can overtake parenting, placing undue attention and passion on punishment. This negativity can ultimately damage the parent-child relationship, alienate children, and lead children to feel negatively about themselves.

Of course, parent-child rifts will inevitably occur. No one is perfect, not parents and not children. There is necessarily tension that occurs when limits are being set. If an altercation escalates, the key is to calm yourself as soon as you notice you are escalated. Only once you are regulated can you return to interaction with the child and repair the breach. No holding a grudge and no skipping over reconnecting with the child, apologize if necessary, and resume warm, appreciative interaction.

Winning the long game is about building connection when things are going right, and carefully minding your choices when things are going wrong. By prioritizing the health of the long-term relationship over the immediate gratification of getting what you want from the child, you are demonstrating you can be trusted not only to be kind, but also to handle problems and conflict in a way that feels safe. If you commit to always winning the short game you are at high risk of sacrificing the long game, but if you commit to winning the long game you can often win both.