Verified by 
Loneliness
Happiness Is About Connecting
Having friends is key to a contented life. But it takes willingness and work.
Posted August 11, 2020 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Do you have a friend? Like a really good friend that you can call in the middle of the night because you are worried about the plate of brownies you ate the night before? A true friend who you confide in about your least attractive reactions? Someone you can tell about your envy of others and how much you want to get back at people who have the life that you want?
If you don't, then you may suffer from emotional loneliness. You're not alone if that's the case. Loneliness is a worldwide problem. Mother Teresa once said, “The biggest disease today is not leprosy or cancer or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted, uncared for, and deserted by everybody.” Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, a former U.S. surgeon general recently wrote: "The world is suffering from an epidemic of loneliness. If we cannot rebuild strong, authentic social connections, we will continue to splinter apart—in the workplace and in society."
Not only is loneliness a long-recognized and worldwide problem, but the impact of loneliness is significant. Loneliness has been connected to suicide, alienation issues, depression, and other mental health disorders as well as physical health concerns including death. Having an intimate relationship with another person is so important to mental wellness that researchers have recommended that mental health clinicians treat loneliness directly and on its own, not as a component of treatment for other disorders (e.g., Heinrich and Guilone, 2006).
Just being around people is not the cure for loneliness. You can be surrounded by people all day and all evening and still be lonely. Being around people and chatting is not the same as connecting, and connecting is the cure for loneliness. There are so many, many people in the world, many of whom live in close proximity to others, and yet there are so many people who feel alone.
It's not easy to reach out to people for connection. When you reach out you're asking to be accepted or included. Being included in a group or by another person is an evolutionary need. If you were living in caveman days, not being accepted by the tribe would likely mean you would not survive and that's a pretty serious consequence. It's still in us, that fear of rejection. That fear can be so strong that people don't try to form connections but live in the pain of loneliness instead.
The problem is that there is pain either way, whether you reach out or you don't. If you reach out, you risk the pain of rejection. In fact, you'll probably experience rejection a few times before you make a connection. If you don't reach out, then you are living in the pain of loneliness. So it's really a choice of which pain would you rather have? Oh, and then there's the issue of regret. At some point, do you think you will regret not reaching out, taking the risk, and overcoming your fear? You can survive rejection. We all do it almost every day in some form or another.
Reaching out means that you are reaching out in friendly, cooperative ways. You are smiling a genuine smile and are ready to offer information about yourself. You come to the interaction with an attitude of curiosity and wanting to get to know the other person. It means taking a breath and letting go of your ego. It means being willing to be in the moment and go with what happens, giving up any needs to control. Develop an interest in learning about other people. It's not about "will this person like me?"; it's about "what is interesting about this person?" Listen really carefully.
Most people are looking for connection. Sometimes you need to give them an opening. Are you making it easy for people to talk with you or hard? Do you have your guard up? Some people use unusual gimmicks to open the door (such as putting a goldfish on your table in the restaurant—someone will ask about that!).
Working intentionally to find people to befriend can work in your favor. When people ask you what you're doing, respond with, "Looking for people to be friends." OK, that might be too open for some. The idea is that if you go to an event, and someone asks what brings you there, give an answer that invites further discussion and connection. "I'm just here to have something to do" probably won't open as many doors at a stamp collectors meet up as, "I've been collecting stamps since I was 6. I love stamps, and my favorite is..."
It's more difficult to meet people during a time of social distancing and staying at home. But some online programs are addressing issues of friendship and you could give them a try. Much like dating apps, there are friendship apps. There are apps for special interests, such as meet my dog. Meet up groups are organized around all kinds of interests and special considerations, such as chess. Perhaps you might enjoy writing real letters to someone in a nursing home. There are nursing home residents who cannot have visitors now and letters can make a significant difference to them. These are just a few ideas. There are many more that you may have and many more in various searches on the internet. Which one will you really try?
Part of making friends is being willing to open up and share your thoughts and feelings. There's a wide range of intimacy. Sharing part of who you are is a way of developing connections. Yes, that can be scary. What if the person becomes angry that you believe that letting children believe in Santa is a positive decision? Or that it's irresponsible to use plastic? Part of close, true relationships is a willingness to discuss differences of opinion and learning from each other. Are you willing?
