5 Ways to Tell a Narcissist Is Playing the Victim

Empathy is the key to maintaining close and healthy relationships, but it is often manipulated by a narcissist. It may be difficult to decipher whether a person needs help or is playing the victim to trick you. Here are five ways to tell.

1. They utilize past hardships to excuse wrongdoing in the present.

A person who immediately talks about a hardship from the past when they are confronted or caught doing something hurtful may be playing the victim.

For example, Anne is in a committed relationship with Steve, who is planning to propose. Steve leaves work early to stop at the jewelry store to look for rings. As he passes a cafe close to the jewelers, through the window, he sees Anne snuggling up to her co-worker in a booth at the corner of the restaurant. He feels nauseous and races back to his car to get his bearings. Steve takes a few deep breaths and reassures himself that Anne probably has a logical explanation.

That evening when Steve talks to Anne, she immediately begins to cry. She can barely talk through her tears. Steve feels awful and is unsure of what to do. Anne brings up how badly she has been hurt in the past and that several of her partners have cheated on her. She embarks on elaborate stories about how badly she has been deceived. She says that she has trust issues and sometimes needs to seek reassurance from other men. Steve has empathy for Anne because he loves her. He is ashamed for assuming the worst.

Anne’s instant dismissal of what she is confronted with and her immediate attempt to switch the focus to past adversities may be a sign she is playing the victim to escape accountability for her actions.

1. They attempt to shift the blame to you.

For example, Steve confronts Anne that evening. Anne erupts, angrily, and accuses Steve of following her. She refers to Steve as a “stalker” and recoils in disgust. She orders Steve to leave their residence immediately because she is sickened by him.

In this scenario, Anne, again, ignores the incident that is brought to her attention and shifts the blame onto Steve. She continues to admonish and berate him, even though Steve is the innocent party.

1. They inflict guilt to get you to bend a boundary.

For example, several weeks after the incident at the cafe, Steve and Anne decide to forgive and forget but to do so, Steve asks Anne to avoid one-on-one interaction with her co-worker outside of work, and Anne agrees.

However, two months later, Anne returns home from work, elated. She announces that her company is rewarding its sales representatives with an all-expense trip to Hawaii. Steve is happy and proud of Anne but wonders who else may be going. After celebrating her accomplishment, Steve asks if her co-worker is also going on the trip. Anne’s face falls and she looks deflated. Steve tries to hug her, but she pushes him away and says, “I cannot believe you would ruin my night with that question. You are so insensitive. Of course, he is going, but you will not rain on my parade because you are insecure. I’m going to bed.”

Due to the manipulation, Steve apologizes and rescinds his boundary.

1. They passive-aggressively broadcast on social media that they have been wronged by you without calling you out directly.

For example, the night that Steve confronts Anne, she is indignant and locks herself in their guest bedroom. Steve is upset and receives several alerts on his phone that Anne is posting content on Facebook. He looks and sees several quotes, such as “Insecure partners are a turn-off.” Steve is mortified. He feels as if he is being “outed” on social media for simply wanting to talk to Anne about something important. Now, he feels like he has to apologize to avoid being slammed on social media.

Many personal struggles in a relationship should be kept private and worked out between the two adults. When Anne publicly vilifies Steve and invites people to “jump on her side,” Steve is automatically positioned as “the bad guy.” Public scrutiny is painful and people may not care or take the time to hear Steve’s side of the story. Steve wants the onslaught to stop, so he “falls on his sword,” and asks for forgiveness, even though he did nothing wrong.

1. They talk about you behind your back and distort your words and actions to position themselves as the “victim” and you as a “bully.”

For example, Steve is getting the cold shoulder from some mutual friends. He also discovers that he was not invited to an event that he was included in for years. Confused, he calls one of his gal pals to see if there is a problem. His friend is quiet and says, “Anne is saying that you have control issues and that you may be a narcissist.” Steve feels like he just got kicked in the stomach. He tries to explain his side of the story but the friend is not open to it. She makes an excuse and ends the call quickly.

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In this situation, behind Steve’s back, Anne misconstrues things and makes herself the “victim” in her relationship with Steve. Mutual friends and family members believe Anne and treat Steve differently.

A person who plays the victim often uses these five tactics. Recognizing these manipulations is key to preventing someone from emotionally mistreating you. Additional information on this topic can be found in my new book, “How to Outsmart a Narcissist; Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and in Life.”