3 Ways to Tell When a Narcissist Is Lying

Narcissists can have cognitive distortions that skew their reality and allow them to “rewrite history” in their own minds. This can be confusing for a partner who does not have these “delusions.” Often, this can make the non-narcissist in the relationship question their own sanity because the narcissist is so firm. In this situation, three things may help you decipher whether the narcissist is lying or telling the truth.

First, the narcissist is usually lying when they are absolutely adamant. The knee-jerk, “I didn’t do it” response is usually defensive, and the denial is strong and intense. It can make you doubt yourself. Even after you bring forth evidence of their transgression, they may remain steadfast in their belief that they “didn’t do it.”

Alternatively, most emotionally available people, when confronted with an issue, pause and contemplate the material brought to their attention. They take a few moments to consider the other person’s perspective. After doing so, they either agree or disagree. The immediate, fierce, and reflexive reaction is absent.

Second, after repeatedly denying any culpability, even in the face of data that says otherwise, the narcissist quickly moves to projection. They deflect and refuse to take responsibility, then switch gears and try to place the blame on you.

For example, “I wasn’t at Anne’s house. No. I was not. Nope. I was not there. But where were you yesterday afternoon? I didn’t see your car at home. Were you at Dan’s? Yes, I bet you were. I am sure you were. Don’t deny it. Don’t lie.”

Conversely, an emotionally healthy person will remain focused on their part in an issue. They will introspect and think through the problem. Often, they will remain focused on how their actions may have contributed to a negative outcome. At this point, they usually authentically take responsibility for their mistake.

Third, the narcissist cuts off the discussion. After rapid-fire denial, deflection, and projection, they act exasperated and storm out. Next, they refuse to talk about the subject ever again. For instance, “I am not discussing this craziness again. I am done with this topic. Never mention this again.”

On the other hand, a person who is accountable tends to want to repair any rupture they may have caused in the relationship. This reparation exemplifies their efforts to make up for a selfish moment or wrongdoing in a relationship.

For example, Susan forgets to ask Lisa about her big interview. She feels awful and wholeheartedly apologizes. Then, she sits down with Lisa and asks thoughtful questions about Lisa’s experience. She focuses on Lisa and listens attentively.

The narcissist is usually lying when they move from denial or deflection to projection and then cut off the discussion indefinitely. Their unconscious defense mechanisms prevent them from grappling with the reality of what they did. If you see these three things when you confront your partner, they may be lying.