Secrets of the Best Gifts: It’s Not the Thought That Counts

Buying gifts can often leave us feeling caught between our hearts and pocketbooks. We may try to comfort ourselves by saying, “It’s the thought that counts.” But in my research on gifts people love, I’ve never seen much evidence that your good intentions when buying a gift have much impact. Fortunately, it is possible to buy inexpensive gifts that people will truly love, but it’s not about your thoughts and intentions; it’s about seeing the person as they want to be seen, and then using the gift to build a deeper connection with them.

In an interview, Cathy Guisewite, creator of the Cathy comic strip, talked about a gift she received as a child:

"The best gift I ever received was a two-part gift that I got for Christmas when I was ten years old — a bride doll and an electric train. They were not things I’d ever told anybody I wanted. But they were like my secret-heart desires because those exact opposites were who I was and what I loved. The electric train was who I appeared to be. I loved everything mechanical; I wished I was a boy ... The bride doll was my more romantic side that I think wasn’t as apparent ..."

Guisewite was wrestling with what felt like a conflict in her identity between her love of all things mechanical and her more romantic side. She loved receiving these two gifts together because they made her feel fully seen and loved. As another example, a friend of mine told me that the best gifts he’d ever received were a mug with Scrabble letters from one daughter, and a custom-made mug with pictures from a Frog and Toad story from his other daughter. As he explained, “What touched me about both of these gifts was that I understood from them that my daughters recognized some essential element of who I am. I felt ‘seen'!"

Getting this right often takes a little more work than just buying someone something connected to a hobby or interest of theirs; you need to find just the right thing that is connected to their interest. Pulling that off often requires you—brace yourselves—to talk to them at some length. To help someone feel truly seen, you have to truly look. Let’s say you’re buying a gift for an avid home cook. Don’t just ask them to name a kitchen gadget they need; really delve into what they love about cooking, what their favorite dishes are, what their favorite tools are, how cooking is different on weeknights vs. when company is coming, what their frustrations are in the kitchen, and anything else you can think of. With that kind of deep knowledge, you can figure out the perfect thing. And to paraphrase Dale Carnegie, the secret to closer friendship isn’t being interesting; it's being interested. So, even if you miss the mark a little with the actual gift, they’ll love it more because it will remind them of the conversation in which you were genuinely interested in them.

This brings us to our second attribute of loved gifts: They either remind the recipient of a past connection with you, or foster a future connection, or both. My friend loved his coffee-mug gifts not only because they made him feel seen, but because those gifts from his adult daughters “communicated and valued something about how we had interacted when they were still children,” playing Scrabble and reading Frog and Toad stories together. Along these lines, when I surveyed people about the gifts they love, the loved gifts were often things that the gift giver had once owned. For example, people often talk about loving a watch, or even a hat, that had first been loved by a parent or relative and was then gifted to them. This is especially powerful if the giver presents the item to the recipient in person, rather than having the recipient inherit the object after the giver has passed away.

One of the best ways to do this is to use the gift as a way of spending time with the other person. Along with feeling seen, Guisewite also loved her gifts because “making doll clothes” with her mom became their fun time together. This works with people of all ages, but younger children and older relatives are often especially receptive to getting some quality time as part of the gift. Don’t just give someone a game; find time to play it with them. If the recipient is a young person, let them teach you how to play. Don’t just give an older person an empty scrapbook; make time to sit with them and fill it up together. Even if the gift wasn’t loved the instant they opened it, it will become loved once the recipient sees it as a bridge that connects the two of you together.