Parent Teacher Collaboration: Not All It Can Be

The pandemic hit Sam’s beloved pre-k hard with staff losses. It eventually closed, so he had to change schools in the middle of the year. His parents felt lucky to find a spot in a place recommended by friends with a daughter Sam’s age. They tried to sell it to him as “just another version of his old school,” taking a casual, hands-off approach to the transition.

At first, it seemed to work fine. Around week three, however, Sam complained that his new teacher was “bossy” and “didn’t listen” to him. His parents were concerned because Sam was not much of a complainer, and they worried together about how to handle this wrinkle. Did they need to raise this with the teacher or tell Sam to suck it up? Then they realized they didn’t know her nearly as well as they’d known his previous teacher and weren’t sure how she’d take it. “Maybe the school isn’t as good as we thought,” and down the rabbit hole they went.

Few parents are lucky enough to avoid such issues. I certainly wasn’t, and I, too, spent time down the rabbit hole of doubt, self-doubt, and uncertainty. Taking your child to school is typically their first important “outside the family” journey. They must navigate an unfamiliar (more rigid) schedule, a novel community of strangers, and sometimes bewildering value systems, all while they carry the banner of your (to-date) excellent parenting into a domain of public scrutiny. Will the teachers know–or even care–how special and occasionally vulnerable your child is, or are there just too many other kids in the way?

Sam’s parents struggled with the “negative assumptions monster,” eventually realizing they had cut a problematic corner with their “hands-off” approach to his new school. They needed to talk with that “bossy” teacher open-mindedly, to work out what Sam needed. So, they spoke with Sam’s teacher in the middle of the year about what most teachers love to hear about at the beginning of the year. But it’s never too late to strengthen this incredibly important collaboration. Sam could not do it alone.

With Sam’s story in mind, here are four things parents should remember to foster healthier parent-teacher collaboration:

1. Be open. Parents often think providing information in advance just prejudices a teacher to see a child one particular way. However, parents choosing the “blank slate” approach to parent-teacher collaboration generally tend to regret that decision. Not only do teachers not appreciate being left in the dark about who their students are and what they need, but it also doesn’t do your child any favors.
2. Be upfront. Upfront discussions with the teacher about how much parent involvement they expect, or not, is money in the bank. Teachers vary widely on this matter, so however it works out, it’s always a good idea to know where they stand on your stepping up or stepping back.
3. Don’t procrastinate. Discuss your concerns sooner rather than later, even if you are not totally convinced there is an issue. When Sam’s parents respectfully raised the “listening” issue with his teacher, she described something familiar to them both: “Sam’s powerful curiosity drives him to answer-seek the second a question occurs to him, and he tends to interrupt.” They looked knowingly at each other, and his father said, “Yes, that’s totally Sam, and we probably could help him with that because it can be a problem at home, too.” It turned out she was a good listener who didn’t like to be interrupted. They devised a strategy to handle it in both places, and Sam got better at waiting.
4. Expect the best. A “loaded for bear” attitude will shut down collaboration before it starts. Expecting collaboration works far better. A teacher back on their heels is no more balanced than a parent back on theirs. Young children, in particular, need open, frequent, relevant, positive discussions between those who love them and those who teach them. They will never again grow or change at this astonishing speed, so do your best to keep up together.