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Key points
- Depression does not always lead to suicide.
- Suicide can be a triple whammy: Someone close has died, death was sudden, and additional pain and regret.
- When someone ends their life, don't be afraid or ashamed; talk to someone and get the help you need.
Does depression always lead to suicide? Does suicide always come from someone who is depressed? The answer to both of these questions is no.
However, it seems that in January and February, many teens and adults become depressed or end their lives. Several years ago, John Hewett, the author of After Suicide, wrote,
"That a loved one’s death by suicide leaves the survivors with a triple whammy. First, someone close has died; second, the death was sudden; three, one has to deal with the additional pain and regret of suicide.”
He is correct on all three accounts. I facilitate two grief groups at a hospital, one for suicide for friends and families of those whose loved ones have already ended their lives, and one group where suicide is not the focus. I have also written two books on grief: Comforting the Bereaved Through Listening and Positive Responding: What Are the Bereaved Trying to Tell Us? and Signs or Coincidences: What are the Deceased Trying to Tell Us? where suicide and depression are both discussed.
Those left behind do deal with a lot of pain, guilt, anger, sadness, blame, bewilderment, as well as many other feelings. Often, the survivors blame themselves and deal with the “should haves and could haves,” thinking they should have or could have prevented this suicide.
However, the truth is that a person only ends their life for two reasons: One reason is they are hurting so badly (mentally, physically, socially, spiritually, emotionally) that it really makes no difference. The pain is so severe that they can not deal with it anymore.
The second reason is that they have lost hope. Once these feelings come together, there is no turning back or way to stop it. If, by chance, they are interrupted when trying to end their life, they may stop but continue another time and succeed next time.
You see, if there is still some kind of hope left, no matter how small, they will not end their life because there is that chance that maybe they can get the help they need. However, many families and friends are unaware of this and blame themselves repeatedly when there was nothing they could have done.
Often, January and February are thought of as depression and suicide months because of the holidays they experienced or didn’t experience and the letdown that lingers on and on after the holidays are over. Occasionally, children, teens, and even older people are left to deal with their pain or possible depression alone, or their family may think they are OK, and they go on with life thinking everything is OK when, in reality, it definitely isn’t.
Suicide is often completed in solitude. However, some want someone to witness their suicide for reasons of revenge. There are also accidental suicides due to abuse of drugs or alcohol with their friends who end their lives. However, the person who ends their life usually has a plan and does not want anyone around. Their plan usually makes sure that no one is around to stop them, interrupt them, or watch them end their life. Often, no note is left to explain what the survivors want to know, which is “why.” If a note is left behind, it is usually to ask for forgiveness or to say their goodbyes.
If you were to look back on the deceased life, you could often find a map of what they have been experiencing for many years, but yet, others may not always recognize the symptoms or may think they will grow out of these feelings. Suicide does not just happen, there are circumstances that the person has accumulated over the years and now see no way out of their pain.
They may experience feelings of hopelessness, pain, despair, and possible severe depression. Sometimes, the breakup of a relationship, poor grades in school, putting unrealistic expectations on themselves, and failing to meet those expectations in sports or life itself. Sometimes, even body image can cause them to want to end their life because they feel they are too thin or overweight (and when, in reality, they are not either.), but they are bullied online or at school and tend to believe what they hear and read and decide to end their life.
Those who are older often deal with thoughts of suicide due to becoming very lonely and feeling no one cares about them anymore. Many of their friends have already died, and they may feel that they are forgotten or just lonely and miss their friends and someone to talk to, especially since no one comes to visit or call them like they used to.
It is very important to keep in touch by calling or visiting with someone older as often as you can and inviting them to family gatherings as often as possible. It means more than you can imagine to hear from family or friends when you are feeling lonely and thinking that no one cares about you and there is really no reason to go on living.
Usually, most people can deal with difficult thoughts and move on or else get help, but others take these feelings to heart, and they start to believe what others have said and feel like a failure, a burden to others, useless, and hopeless. They may turn to drugs or alcohol for help but find this doesn’t work either; the pain is still there. In their minds, the only way to end this pain is to end their life and get the freedom and relief they are looking for.
If you have had someone end their life, please be patient and gentle with yourself. Don’t put expectations on yourself, and don’t allow society, friends, or family to put their expectations on you as to why your loved ones’ death was your fault because it wasn’t. There was nothing you could have done to prevent their death.
Your grief will take a long time to get through and to ease the pain of what you are feeling inside. It is important to get help: Talking to an individual grief therapist or joining an SOS group (a suicide group for family and friends of those who have already ended their lives.) can really help.
If you need help, seek it; don’t be ashamed or afraid to ask for help. You need to talk to someone professionally to get the help you need. Your life has been changed drastically by suicide, and your feelings and thoughts are not the same as other types of losses.
Remember, grief takes as long as it takes, so take as long as you need. Remember, no two people grieve alike; even men and women grieve differently. If your spouse is grieving differently than you—it is OK. Don’t try to rush through your grief—no matter what anyone says. Please don’t run away from your loss, if you do, grief will wait for you and when you least expect it will appear.
Take one day at a time or one hour at a time. Don’t put expectations on yourself. It is OK not to be OK all the time.
Try to eat, rest, and get a little exercise to help you keep going because grief can be very tiring and very trying.
Take care of yourself the best you can, and remember you are not alone in your grief.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
