“Stop Trying to Fix It” and What to Do Instead

Have you ever felt caught in this pattern?

You come home from a long day of work and try to vent to your partner, but they end up throwing solutions at you when all that you really want them to do is listen. Or maybe you fall into the pattern of trying to do the “fixing” and feeling frustrated that nothing you offer seems to land.

I see it all the time in couples therapy. It ends up looking like this:

Partner 1 shares a situation and feelings surrounding it (e.g., “My boss gave me yet another project today. I am so stressed and just don’t know if I can keep up with my workload!”).

Partner 2 offers solutions (e.g., “Maybe you should start waking up earlier. You’ve been hitting snooze on the alarm clock lately—I’m sure those extra minutes could be put to good use.”).

Partner 1 rejects the solutions (e.g., “I already tried that” or “Here’s why that won’t help…”).

In this pattern, Partner 1 ends up feeling frustrated and unheard. They want their partner to understand and validate the difficulty of the situation, how challenging it is, and the fact that there is no easy fix. Partner 2 also ends up feeling frustrated because their attempts to help their partner aren’t landing, and they feel at a loss for how to support them.

Here’s why it doesn’t work.

The Hidden Need Beneath the Surface

When your partner comes to you with a problem, they have a need. It may appear on the outside that they need advice or problem-solving, but there is a hidden need every time your partner comes to you and shares their feelings. They need to feel heard, understood, and like they have someone on their side; they need to know that they are not facing their struggles alone.

Neuroscience supports this very natural and salient human need. Feeling understood by others is associated with greater well-being and physical health, while loneliness has extremely detrimental mental and physical health effects. In one fMRI study, participants who were validated experienced activation of the ventral striatum and middle insula, areas of the brain associated with reward and social connection. When the same participants were misunderstood, however, the anterior insula was activated, signifying negative feelings. Participants also reported greater feelings of social connection when validated and the opposite when misunderstood. Because the brain encodes social disconnection as a threat to survival, your partner may even show signs of “fight or flight,” such as either shutting down or starting an argument when they feel unheard.

It’s for this reason your partner feels frustrated if you try to jump to solutions or “fixing” the issue before attuning to them, validating them, and being a sounding board who shows interest in and care for their feelings in the situation. Before being open to solutions, your partner needs to feel safely connected to you.

Addressing this hidden need can look something like this:

Partner 1 shares the situation and feelings surrounding it (e.g., “My boss gave me yet another project today. I am so stressed and just don’t know if I can keep up with my workload!”).

Partner 2 shows interest in the partner’s feelings and the situation causing them, validates them, and makes partner feel heard (e.g., “Again?! Oh, no, no wonder you’re overwhelmed, you have so much on your plate. That’s so tough.”).

Partner 1 takes in the support and validation, opens up more, and engages in cathartic processing (e.g., “Right? I’m just feeling so exhausted and don’t know what to do.”).

When to Offer Problem-Solving

If you tend to be the “fixer” in relationships, hearing the words “I don’t know what to do” from your partner will set off major alarm bells that sound, “Help them, help them—they are stuck! Help them get unstuck. Give solutions, give advice.” Being aware of these voices in your mind is incredibly important. There are times when problem-solving and advice are exactly what someone needs to get unstuck—but, as the relationship researcher John Gottman has found from his research, understanding must precede advice.

This means that you can absolutely help your partner problem-solve by offering solutions or advice. Just make sure that first, you address your partner’s hidden social need to feel understood and heard before jumping to address the situation. After validating and listening to your partner, you can then ask, “Do you want to brainstorm solutions or just talk about it?”

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If, at that point, your partner wants to hear advice, they will be much more receptive, knowing that you are on their team. In fact, when we feel socially supported, we are happier and healthier and thus more able to solve our own problems. Your partner may just come up with their own solution, and by hearing them and understanding them... well, what do you know? You helped them fix it.