The Allure of Wanting What You Can’t Have

Source: Mila Supinskaya Glashchenko/Shutterstock

Do you ever wonder how people can get so addicted to gambling that, despite the odds, they keep going, long after they have surpassed their limits? They are looking for their next “hit.” They have gotten “hits” in smaller amounts, which motivates them to come back for more and secure a big win—a phenomenon known as intermittent reinforcement.

Similarly, with an unavailable partner, you don’t know when the next “hit” will be and you’re looking to score the jackpot. In this relational dynamic, the highs are high and the lows are low. This person may run hot and cold, so you don’t know when they will be affectionate or pursue you but when they do, it feels special and exciting. This intermittent reinforcement can leave you yearning for crumbs of connection and give the illusion that someday it will lead to an entire meal, but instead, you often end up hungry and dissatisfied.

If you find yourself in such a dynamic, your friends or family and even you yourself may be wondering why you can’t end it. It’s not that simple, just as a gambling habit is not as simple as “just stopping.” If you are repeatedly drawn to unavailable partners, it’s often less about that person and more about the emotional triggers they activate in you. Pay attention to which old wounds this person is stirring up for you and what insecurities they might be tapping into, then take some time to reflect about why a consistent and emotionally available partner would feel boring or unfamiliar in comparison.

Some people are more susceptible to being drawn to such partners, depending on their attachment style and family upbringing. Adults who were raised with an inconsistent or unavailable caregiver or whose emotional needs were not met during a crucial stage of development are more likely to be drawn like a magnet to this same push-pull dynamic as an adult. It’s not uncommon for those with this early experience to be drawn to a partner with similar qualities simply because it feels familiar. That feeling that you’ve “known this person forever” may just be due to this person activating your attachment wounds from childhood.

If you’re not sure whether this is the relationship dynamic you’re currently experiencing, consider the following questions to gain some clarity:

1. How do you feel when you’re around this person and how do you feel when you’re not?

How you feel around this person can give you important information. Do you feel emotionally safe around this person? Asking yourself how you feel when you’re not with this person is just as important as how you feel when you’re with them. Do you feel on edge or anxious when you’re not with them because you don’t know where you stand or when you’ll hear from them?

2. Does this person remind you of past partners or evoke a similar feeling you’ve had with others in your life?

If you have a pattern of being drawn to unavailable partners, this is an important question to explore and is not limited to past partners, but also family members or early caregivers.

3. Is this person consistent?

Do their actions match their words and is their communication consistent or do you rarely know when you’ll hear from them?

For more tips about shifting this pattern, check out my article, Why You Might Attract Unavailable Partners Part II.

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Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. This article is not intended to be a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or well-being.